Can Opener

Would you go into the grocery store with a can opener and start opening cans to see what the contents tastes like?

Hopefully not, but apparently some of our 'customers', and I use the term loosely, would!

My BIGGEST PET PEEVE is opening products in the store. Listen up, people. "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!!"

Why not? When a customer sees a product on the shelf that has been opened, they either won't buy it, or they will ask for a discount because it's been opened.

Company policy is that we have to mark down by 10% any product that has been opened.

It's more work for us, less profit for the store.

So...now that you know all this...Why the Hell do you complain every fucking time that I say, "Please don't open products in the store." Are you not able to comprehend that we can't sell it as new if it's been opened? Oh...wait...I get it..."YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!"

WELL, GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT 'YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BUY IT IF YOU CAN'T OPEN THE BOX'!!!

DON'T OPEN IT, MUTHAFUCKER!!

I'LL BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS!

I'LL SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE!

I'LL BARBECUE YOUR DAMN DOG!

I'LL STEAL YOUR IDENTITY AND ORDER EVERY MAGAZINE IN EXISTENCE TO BE DELIVERED TO YOUR HOUSE!

I'LL HACK THE SCHOOL YOUR DAUGHTER ATTENDS AND CHANGE ALL HER GRADES TO FAIL SO SHE NEVER GETS INTO COLLEGE!

I'LL HACK THE POLICE DEPARTMENT CIC COMPUTER AND MAKE SURE THEY ARREST YOUR SON!

I'LL SPAM EVERY EMAIL ADDRESS THERE IS WITH A MILLION EMAILS A DAY AND INCLUDE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AS THE SOURCE!

I'LL KIDNAP YOU, STRIP YOU NAKED, TAKE A WIRE BRUSH TO YOUR ASSHOLE, POUR KEROSENE ON IT, AND SET IT ON FIRE!

GET THE IDEA, YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, KNOW-IT-ALL, SELF-IMPORTANT, LOW-LIFE, TRAILER PARK TRASH, ASSHOLE???

Thanks for shopping with us today, come back soon!

HDMI to F-connector

That's right, you read the title correctly. I had an idiot today who asked if we had a cable or adapter that would go from HDMI to RG-6 with an F-connector so he could run the video from his computer to a TV set.

"THAT WON'T WORK, DUMBASS!!! YOU'RE TRYING TO GO FROM A DIGITAL HIGH-DEFINITION AUDIO/VIDEO OUTPUT TO A RADIO FREQUENCY INPUT!!!"

"YOU'RE THE REASON I'VE STARTED DRINKING AGAIN!!!"

Daddy...no!

This has never happened before, and I bet it never happens again.

Mom, Dad, 23 y/o daughter come in looking for a computer.

Dad thinks he's a computer whiz, is looking to buy the very best in the store for his sweet daughter.

Daughter knows enough to know that she doesn't need as powerful and expensive a computer as Dad is looking at.

They're wanting to spend $1100 on the tower, $250 on a 23" LED monitor, poor daughter keeps telling them she doesn't need that much computer. She's a journalism major with a theater minor, and she's right, a middle-of-the-road computer will be just fine for her.

I pull daughter aside and ask her what she would get if it were up to her. She indicates exactly what I thought, middle-of-the-road computer, 20" lcd monitor.

Fortunately for the store, Dad prevails, and they get the >$1500 desktop package.

Fast forward to the next day.

Dad comes in, finds me, says, "I need another computer, I tried to uninstall something and didn't know what I was doing. They're going to exchange it for me."

I successfully keep myself from laughing, and get him his new tower.

Hope daughter can get some work done, she's gonna have a time avoiding Daddy!

Mile-long Ethernet

I dunno why I always get these idiots, bad Karma I guess.

Semi-regular comes in, heads for the networking aisle.

MayIHelpooo?

I need a Wireless G.

*What the fuck...???* OK, a wireless g router, or adapter, or...?

Just a Wireless G.

*This idiot doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.* Ummm...I don't actually have a product called just "Wireless G", that's a standard for wireless networking.

Naw, naw...it's something that you use to run the Internet over long distances. You got your router over here, and you run about a mile of Ethernet under ground, then you put in a Wireless G, and it can run another mile, and so on.

*YOU FUCKING IDIOT, HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF RESEARCH? IT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!* Ummm...actually the maximum cable length for Ethernet is 100 meters, or 328 feet. That's quite a bit less than a mile.

Naw, naw...I've seen this before, jus lemme look at what you got here, I'll find it.

OK, thanks for coming in.

(A few minutes later, I'm in that aisle again, and he's leaving.)

Find anything like what you wanted?

Nope.

Well, good luck! *You brain dead, clueless, know-it-all!*

What would it hurt?

This is from last year, when there was a state-wide Tax Free day.

We knew we were going to be covered up in customers, and had barricaded the dept. so that no one could get in without coming through the line. They could come in to "BUY" and would have a salesperson assigned to them, or they could come in to "LOOK" without a salesperson...BUT if they were a "LOOKER" they would not be served in any way unless they went back to the line and asked for an associate. There was a manager at the head of the line to enforce the rules.

So now it begins...

I've been working with this one wonderful lady for 15 minutes or so on a big sale, and we're looking at routers, when this "LOOKER" couple walk up.

Excuse me...

*I ignore him, since I'm in the middle of a sentence to my customer.*

*Taps me on the shoulder.* Excuse me!

Yes, sir?

Could you tell us about this router?

*I look around for their associate, don't see anyone who isn't already with a "BUYER". I can't believe this asshole has the balls to interrupt me in mid-sentence, much less wants me to stop helping my customer and talk to him. How rude!!*

I'm sorry, I have a customer right now. When you came into the department, the manager at the head of the line told you that we were only serving customers who were buying. We'll be happy to pair you up with an associate if you'll just go back to the manager at the line and ask.

I want to buy, what would it hurt for you to help us?

*I'm in "mild aggression" mode now.*

Well, sir, the first thing it would hurt is that you are taking time away from this nice lady, whom I have been helping for the last 15 minutes. I cannot just ignore her and stop to help you. The second thing that it would hurt is that you are asking me to break a rule that we were all strongly cautioned not to break by our manager, and I would get in trouble.

But your manager is not here, what would it hurt?

*Turning it up to "moderate aggression".*

My manager is here. That's him at the head of the line, and I promise you, he's watching every one of us to make sure that we perform as instructed.

(All this time, my wonderful customer is waiting patiently with a slightly amused look on her face.)

*This dickhead decides to make it personal now, by looking at my name-tag."

Lo-fat, you are the one wasting her time. If you would just tell me what I want to know, we will be done here.

*Turning it up to "Strong Aggression", only one notch left!*

That's not going to happen! I'm finishing my sale with this lady. If you give me any more trouble I'll have you escorted from the store!

You should be more polite with customers.

*That's it. I crank that Aggression switch so hard I go past the last notch, and into "Fuck you up" mode.*

I should be more polite? You're the rudest person I've ever met in this store! You can't just walk in on a day like today and expect everyone to drop what they're doing to answer your trivial questions! I told you not to give me anymore trouble...

*I call my manager on the radio. He comes over, takes my side 100%, and calls security to escort this idiot from the store!*

SCORE!!!!!

The one with the macro lens.

This is my All-Time, Number One Customer Comment!

Guy and his wife come in, looking for a laptop.

MayIHelpooo?

I dunno, I need a laptop.

We have lots, any special needs or features?

Yeah, I need one with a webcam, I'm gonna auction my genitals on eBay.

*You can't make this shit up if you try!*

I don't wanna know my password.

This was several months ago, but it's such a good one...

This guy comes into the dept. wearing a flannel shirt, dress pants, sneakers, suspenders, greasy hair, a week's growth of beard, and glasses with an elastic band so he won't lose them. My sensors are on high alert just from seeing him.

MyIHelpooo?

I'm looking for some sort of software that can block certain types of websites.

*Ok, maybe this won't be so bad, I'll sell him some sort of "Internet Security" stuff with a firewall, or educate him on how to use Parental Controls.*

Sure, we have lots of software that can do that, it's right over here.

*Looking at features of a particular title* Can I change the settings after I've saved them?

Yes, you would just have to save them again. *Where's this going?*

Ummm, that's no good. I want something that once it's set, no one can change it.

*Still puzzled.* Okay, there's Parental Controls. The user would have to have an Administrator's password to change the settings on that. *I explain how it works and what it can block.*

That may work, but there's still the matter of the password. I'm the Administrator on the computer, and I'm the person I want to block from certain websites. *Looks down, says sheepishly* I have a problem with porn.

*Note to self, DO NOT SHAKE HANDS, WASH HANDS IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE LEAVES.*

Hmmmm...I see. Is there a friend or relative that you would trust to set the password? That way you wouldn't know what it was? Our techs could also do that for you, but they would charge for it.

No, I wouldn't want to tell them. I'd be too embarrassed.

*Ok, you're too embarrassed to confess your problem to a friend or relative, so you've come into my dept. to confess it to me, a total stranger???*

*I think for a few seconds...* Sir, unless you can figure out how to get a password set that you don't know, my best advice to you is to stop using the Internet.

(sigh) Ok, thanks. *Leaves*

I head for the washroom with my hands in the air, like a surgeon who has just scrubbed up.

DON'T ANYONE TOUCH ME UNTIL I WASH...SEVERAL TIMES!!!

Why we won't do telephone support

Rumor has it that years ago, one of the techs in a local store took a call from a customer who wanted to know how to install some ram in his computer. The tech walked him through it, but forgot one important detail..."Please make sure your computer is off and the power cord is unplugged from the wall."

The guy was working with the computer on...shocked himself, fried his mobo.

This wasn't the usual idiot who calls support, though. This guy was recording the call!

CHA-CHING!!! LAWSUIT!

After that, corporate decreed "No more telephone support at stores".

This is actually a really good thing for us in the computer department.

We now have a canned response we can use when people call wanting us to fix their bullshit problem over the phone...

"I'm sorry, we are not permitted to do telephone support. You can call 800-PAY-ALOT and they will help you, or you can bring your computer in to the store and see a tech."

Once again, here are the reasons we won't do telephone support:

1. You might screw up what we tell you and fry your computer = LAWSUIT
2. What you *think* is wrong, might not *really* be what is wrong = LAWSUIT
3. We have a whole building full of techs who do telephone support for a living, and charge for it = DON'T GIVE AWAY THINGS THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CHARGE FOR

Don't...don't...don't you worry about it.

MayIHelpoo?
I want an external hard drive.
Right here...what capacity?
BIG.
OK, how about 2 terabytes?
Is it SATA or PATA?
*What the fuck does it matter, you goddamn IDIOT, it's EXTERNAL!* Ummm..this is an external drive, it uses USB.
I lost 450 Mb of very important data to a Seagate drive. I'll never have another Seagate.
*I hope you loose ALL your fucking data FOREVER!!!* OK, what does that have to do with SATA or PATA?
Don't...don't...don't you worry about it. Don't worry about it.
........OK, I won't.
*I turn and walk off.*

The only thing I can think of is that he thought that SATA meant SEAGATE-ATA.

What part of "Sales" do you not understand?

MayIhelpooo?
I bought a computer here yesterday, and got charged for (item), but when I got home it wasn't in the bag.
*Normally, any sane person would know that in a BigBox store, you have to go to Customer Service to get things like this cleared up. Apparently not this dimwit. And good luck proving to CSR that you don't have that item.*
I'm sorry if there was a mistake, you will need to speak to Customer Service to resolve that.
*Rolls eyes*
Can't you do it?
No Sir, I can't. My cash register account doesn't allow me to do returns or refunds, nor do I have the proper training on how to handle an issue like this. You will have to see someone at Customer Service, they can help you.
*Rolls eyes again*
Ok, I have another problem. When I went to install this software you gave me, it said that the version on the computer is newer than the version I was trying to install. Wuz-up wid dat?
Technical issues with your computer are an issue for our computer repair department. This is the Computer Sales Department, we don't do support.
Turns and leaves in a huff, wagging head back and forth like it's the most irritating thing in the world for him to have to go to the proper people to get his little problems fixed.
*Ok, that was a little up-itty, but I'm sick and tired of every dick-head in this part of the state coming in here, walking past the desk where the computer repair guys hang out, and asking us to fix their lame-ass computers! If I have to solve meat-head problems all day, I'll never hit my quotas, and my sup will be in my face about it.*

Later that same day...

Phone rings...
Computers, mayIhelpooo?
Yes, I've got my husband, who's out of the country, on the computer. We're trying to type back and forth to each other. I can see him, and he can see me, but we can't see what the other is typing. What could be wrong?
*We're not allowed to do support on the phone for legal reasons.*
Ma'm you've reached the Computer Sales dept. We don't do support. You could call 800-386-2277 (800-DUMB-ASS), or 800-382-5968 (800-FUCK-YOU) for support.
But I don't want to pay someone to help me, can't you just help me out?
No ma'm. Not only do I not know how to fix that problem, we have customers in the department wanting to buy computers. That is our primary purpose here, to SELL computers.
*click*

*Would you call your car salesman and ask him to walk you through changing the struts on your car? Not only are they not trained on how to do that, they have a repair department at the dealership that generates income for the business by doing those things! Get a fucking BRAIN, people!*

Lo-fat's Application for Computer Ownership

This is going to make sales of Acme Idiot/Asshole Spray Repellent plummet, but it would sure make my life easier!
Think about it, wouldn't it be wonderful if people had to qualify to own a computer?  We'd never hear the expression, "I'm computer illiterate." again!!!  Oh, the joy of no stress computer sales!!

I propose that any person contemplating the purchase of a computer must demonstrate that they can do everything here before they can purchase a computer.

Here it is...



APPLICATION FOR COMPUTER OWNERSHIP

I can explain the basic definitions of "Operating System", "Processor", "RAM", and "Hard Drive".
I know the difference between a laptop and a desktop.
If I currently own a computer, I know which version of Windows I own.
I am not scared to go from Windows XP to Windows 7.
I know the difference between MS Windows and MS Office.
I know what Google is and can formulate a basic search.
I know that I DON'T NEED a Guru to answer my questions, I can Google it myself.
I know that I must search Google and not find the answer before I post a question to a Forum.
I can accomplish a simple software installation successfully.
I know how to use "Help".
I know what "Anti-Virus" is and how to use it.
I can set up my own email account on G-mail.
I know that I will need to purchase Internet service in order to access the Internet.
I know that memory is not storage space.
I know that the battery and power adapter come with every laptop.
I know the difference between the computer and the monitor and that each one can be purchased separately.
I can locate and press the Power button.
I do not refer to the computer tower as a "modem" or a "processor".
I know that an iPad is not meant to replace a computer.
I realize that an iPad does not have the ability to bring the dead to life, enable me to walk on water, make me invincible or in any way make me like Jesus.
I know what a "browser" is, and how to use it.
I can name 2 alternatives to Internet Explorer.
I know that I need to back up my files and how to do it.
I know what a network is.
I know that the Internet is more than just Facebook and YouTube.
If I have an old printer, I know whether it uses a USB or Parallel cable.  
I know the difference between PS/2 and USB keyboards and mice.

I know how to use the right mouse button.

I know how to Cut, Copy and Paste, and Drag and Drop.

I understand the difference between Copy and Move. 

I know that I don't have to use the same brand monitor or printer with my new computer.

I know that Apple computers don't use Windows by default, but that they can.
I know where the closest book store is that has a good computer section.
I know how to properly shut down a computer.
and last but not least...
I know that Lo-fat and Akmed are the 2 greatest computer salespersons on Earth, and if I will just listen to them, then I will make a great choice for my new computer!!

Arrow 7

MayI-hel-pooo?
Yes, I was wondering if you could tell me something about my car stereo?
*Ummm, I dunno...it sucks?* I'll try, what's the question?
When I puts a CD in, it say "Arrow 7".
Hmmm..., I've never heard of that message. Are you spelling that A-R-R-O-W 7?
Yes, A-R-R-O-W 7.
I'll have to ask the auto tech about that, be right back.

I go see the AT, he says, "It's 'Error 7', it means the laser's burned out. She can send it off for repair or replace the unit."

I go back to the idiot customer.
Ma'm, is it possible that it says "Error 7, E-R-R-O-R"?
Yeah, das right, 2 r-ahs.
*What...??? 2 r-ahs? What the fuck does that mean? It's the first letter that you've got wrong, not the number or "R-AHS". Never mind...*
The tech said the laser is burned out.....

First, she didn't know how to spell, then, she didn't know the difference between the word "Arrow" and the word "Error".

There's more than just the laser burned out here. (Thanx IngaOlgaHelga)

Random Thoughts on Customers

It's been a long day, and we've had to deal with many, many idiots.

I wouldn't call them stupid because that would be giving them too much credit.

They have no business owning anything more technical than a rock...and even that might be pushing it.

I would just like to take a moment to express my frustration and loathing for these people and attempt to find some way I might curse, hex or otherwise place some kind of supernatural pox upon the genitals of them and all they love. 

Unfortunately, my attempts to locate such services online have yielded very little. Or more specifically, black magic appears to require a credit card and it is difficult to have any confidence in a hex when it requires $9.99 per target.

So I will merely sit here and hope that my dark, roiling thoughts can somehow inspire some sort of tick or lice to migrate into their home en mass and turn its attention solely south of the border. 

Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest Great White. 

Blue Light

Swear to God, this happened today!

"May I helpew?"
"I need a Flash Drive."
"Right here, what  capacity?"
"Which one has a Blue Light?"
"Excuse Me?"
"I said, Which one has a Blue Light?"
"Is it that important?"
"Yes."
"Actually, I don't know.  I have this one, and it has an orange light."
"Hmmmmmm...does this one have a cap?"
"Yes."
"I'll take this one."

Analysis:  First, it was most important that it had a blue light.  Failing that, it was most important that it had a cap.  Price didn't figure in, capacity didn't figure in, only features.
Go figure.  Welcome to retail.

Cables we'll never have...maybe

I'm gonna go into business for myself and start making these bullshit cables. They won't work at all, but they sure will sell, 'cause we get requests for 'em almost every day.

The "Ethernet Splitter" - For idiots who are too cheap to buy a router. They have one Internet account at home, and want to put more than one computer online. Why it won't work - Ethernet has four pairs of wires: Transmit out, transmit in, receive out, receive in. Split that into 16 wires, put 2 computers on it, and the packets will get all mixed up.

The "VGA Splitter" - Same kinda thing here. They want to run the video from their computer to 2 monitors. VGA has timing, sync and color channels in those wires. Split that up and those signals are going to Hell. It takes a piece of hardware to do this right.

VGA to HDMI - They have a VGA output on their el cheapo laptop, and HDMI input on their Flat-screen TV. Why it won't work - HDMI is High-Definition video plus Audio, VGA is standard definition video, NO Audio.

USB Splitter - Supposedly for connecting 2 computers to 1 printer. Never seen or heard of this before I got into retail. Idiot...network the computers and share the printer.

USB to Red, White and Yellow RCA - He originally wanted to go from HDMI out on the computer to RCA in on the older TV, but when I convinced him that HDMI is digital, and the RCA plugs are analog, he switched to USB to RCA. Problem there is that USB never, Never, NEVER carries video. Total fail. Trust your salesperson.

USB to (anything and everything) - Their logic: "I have lots of things that connect with USB, so therefore they must make a USB cable that does (whatever stupid thing they want it to do). Nope, Nimrod, they don't.

USB A to A (Same connection on both ends) - There may actually be a valid use for this type cable, but I can't find anyone in this town who carries one, so I'm thinking probably not.

USB to Camera - They're all proprietary, idiot! Think about it; if you were in the camera business, wouldn't you make your cables different from all the rest so they'd have to buy your cable for their camera? Same thing with printer ink cartridges...NO...you can't use Dell ink in your Cannon printer.

Firewire to USB - Firewire 400 is rated at 400 Mb/s while USB can be as slow as 1.5 Mb/s. Why in the world would you want your data to speed out of your Firewire device just to bog down on your USB port?

eSATA to USB - Same as above. eSATA provides speeds of 3G/sec vs 1.5Mb/sec in USB.

HDMI to RG-6 w/ F-Connector - HDMI is High-Definition audio & video, RG-6 is Radio-frequency. Dis-similar is an understatement!

Power cords for printers - Too many in production to carry on our shelves, contact manufacturer.

The smart way to get your complaint resolved.

Let's pretend that you're that rare breed of customer who follows Lo-fat's Guide to Smart Computer Shopping.  You're polite, turn your cell phone off when you come in, etc.  But...
We're out of the computer you want, but we order it for you to pick up in the store about a week later.  Cool, no prob-lem-o.
YESSSSSSSSSSS, PROB-LEM-O GRANDE!!  They ship your computer to the store in Bum-Fuck Egypt, and all attempts to get it back are failing.  Customer service acknowledges that your computer is in Egypt, but you hit the brick wall after that.

What do you do?  This is the time to use the 4 steps to getting the company off it's ass and moving toward a resolution to your issue.

Step 1.
Executive Customer Service - How to get routed to a high-ranking exec's secretary who will pass you off to the secret elite customer service squadron. They can solve any and all problems, lest you persist in escalating and interrupt some corporate asshole's golf game or steak dinner.
Most all large companies have some sort of executive customer service staff, made up of individuals who have the power to cut through all sorts of red tape.  The key is knowing how to access these wonderful people who can make things right when everything else has gone wrong.

* For public companies, put the stock ticker symbol in Google Finance and pull up the profile page. The corporate office should be listed under Company Facts.

* Call the corporate office.

* Ask for a transfer to the office of the CEO.

* You will likely get an exec. assistant but that's good. Voice mail is ok, too.

* Give a succinct summary, including identifying details like order numbers and confirmation numbers.

* Remain nice.  By all means, retain your cool.  We don't give a shit about helping assholes that scream and shout and threaten to sue.

Within a day, you should get the phone call equivalent to the holy grail--a call back by someone on the executive service team.

If Step 1 doesn't work, proceed to...
Setp 2.
EECB (Executive Email Carpet Bomb) - Sending an email blast to as many high-ranking execs as you can. The trick is figuring out the corporate email address format and combining it with publicly posted lists of company execs.

1. Exhaust normal channels
Have you called customer service? Asked for a supervisor? Hung up and tried again? Give regular customer service a chance to fix the problem before you go nuclear.

2. Write a really good complaint letter.
Be clear, concise, polite, and professional. State exactly what you want. See this post, for complaint letter writing tips. Pitch your issue in a way that affects their bottom line. Spellcheck and include contact information.

3. Determine the corporate email address format.
Look through their website or Google for press releases. Examine the PR flack's email address. What's the format? Is it firstname.lastname@company.com? FirstletteroffirstnameLastname@companyname.com? Figure it out and write it down.

4. Compile a list of the company's top executives
This is often available on the company website, under sections like "corporate officers" or "corporate governance." You can also look the company up on Google Finance and look under management, although this list tends to only be partial.

5. Combine the names from step 4 with the format from step 3 to create an email list

6. Send your complaint to the list from step 5.

7. Sit back and wait.

If Step 2 doesn't work, proceed to...
Step 3.
Small Claims Court - For just a few hours work and under $50, you can get a judge to make a company give you what you're owed.
Small claims or conciliation court provides a way for individuals to settle their differences with the help of a neutral referee or judge.

Some tips to help you win your case in conciliation court.

The price of admission is generally low, between $50 and $100 most places. The plaintiff (the person who starts the case) files a short statement of the claim, pays the filing fee, and serves the defendant either by mail or by using the sheriff or other third party for personal service.

Conciliation court is a great place for consumers to get some justice. Before bringing your claim, however, you will want to check with your state's conciliation court to make sure you can actually bring your case. Generally, the defendant you intend to sue must have some personal or business presence in the state. Also, the amount of money you are seeking will probably have to fall beneath a certain amount. In Minnesota, for example, the total amount of the claim must be below $7,500.

You can probably find the complaint forms and other information on your state's or county's website. Fill them out carefully and completely, and bring them to court to file.

Here are a few more tips for your day in court:

* Spend a bit of time watching the daytime court shows. Seriously. Other than the judge's sass, they're not too different from conciliation court. Notice what the litigants do wrong.

* Bring all your exhibits and witnesses with you to court. Make an extra copy of documents, and keep them organized.

* Focus on the logical reason you should win. So often I see people want to tell their story. (A) There isn't time, and (B) it's irrelevant. Stick to the facts and why they matter.

* Always show respect for the judge or referee. They are the ones who decide whether you win or lose. The no-fail method of address is "your honor."

Conciliation court is a great way for consumers to get some justice in the courts. Build your case carefully and present it as professionally as you can, and good luck on your day in court!

Suing a company in small claims court is fun and easy and oftentimes the company won't even try to fight back. One thing you want to make sure to remember though is to look up the company's "registered agent" in the state where you are filing. If you don't serve this person with notice of the case, it could result in a dismissal.

To find a company's registered agent (RA), you can call up your secretary of state's office, and or you can find the information online. It only costs a small fee to have the sheriff's office deliver the notice and then you're well on your way to fighting back with gusto. Also, you should also check with the RA before sending the sheriff over to make sure that the RA you found in the database is still the current RA.

If Step 3 doesn't work, proceed with...
Step 4.
Chargeback - Pay with a credit card and if you don't end up getting the goods or services you ordered, you can reverse the charge and not have to pay for it.

A chargeback is when the credit card company withdraws the money for a transaction from a merchant's account and deposited in a consumer's following a dispute.

Basically, you do a chargeback when you feel like you're not getting what you paid for, in terms of the quality or type of good or service.

To start a chargeback, contact your credit card company and ask. A dispute process begins and the merchant will have to provide proof they rendered service properly. If the merchant can't provide sufficient evidence, the credit card company debits the transaction amount from the merchant's account and credits it to your account.

Additionally, the credit card company charges the merchant a chargeback fee.

Use chargebacks as a last resort and never before making several attempts to resolve an issue directly with a merchant. The last step before doing a chargeback is to threaten to use one. Sometimes that's enough to change an asshole's mind and let them know you're serious.

I'm not going to screw you over unless you act like an asshole, but if I do, this is golden information to use against the company.  ;-)

"Of course you'd say that..."

Gray-haired, professional-looking woman walks in with a teenage boy.

"May I help you?"
"My son needs a computer for college."
"OK, what are you going to be studying?"
"Music."
"Very good. I think this one would be just fine for that. It has (blah, blah, blah)."
"What about this one?" (Points to another brand, much more expensive.)
"That would be an excellent choice, also."
"Well, of course you'd say that, since you're selling them."

*You pompous BITCH! What'd you ask for if you didn't want an answer! What'd you expect me to say?*

"Well, ma'm, we're not on commission, it doesn't matter to me what you buy, I was just offering my opinion."
"If you really mean that, then tell me which ones I DON'T want to buy."

*How DARE you question my integrity, you low-life scumbag!! Oh...wait a minute...I don't have any integrity. ;-)
I've seen this kind of bitch before. They push your buttons as hard as they can, looking for a reason to complain, and by way of that complaint, get a big discount on their purchase.
You've pissed me off Royally, now bitch. I'm looking for a way to screw you over before you leave.*

"My pleasure. You need to stay away from anything with less than 4 GB of ram, and less than a Dual-Core processor. This one, this one and this one would not be what you're looking for. Everything else is acceptable."

*I swear to God, we walk down the whole row of laptops, playing this same, stupid game for over half an hour..."What makes this one better than that one? What's the difference between Intel and AMD? What's the jigabites on this one?"*

*She finally settles in on one particular model. I know from looking it up earlier, it's not in stock.
She's been wasting my time and being a real hard-ass. Now it's my turn! Muhahahah!*

*She asks all the same, idiotic questions she's been asking about every other laptop. I answer every one, patiently, slipping in as many times as I can that this is the ONE, nothing else will meet every need she has as well as this one. Finally...*

"OK, we'll take this one."
"Great, I'll just grab you one.......Uh-oh, oh my goodness, it looks like there's not any of those in stock. Just one second and I'll check the inventory system to be sure.
...
I'm SO sorry, there are none in the store. May I check to see if I can order you one?"
"OK, but we need it this week."
...
"Dog-gone-it, that model is back-ordered online. Right now, there's just not any way we can get one of those for you. It's too bad, too. That's the ONE, PERFECT computer for your son."

*They leave, but she makes a point to mention that they are going to X-Mart to buy one that they saw earlier.

SCORE!!! I made her think that that was the one and only computer that she wanted, then wasted a bunch of her time talking about something that I knew wasn't in stock, and got rid of a customer that was going to be trouble no matter what she bought.

That's a WIN in my book!*

i'm never coming here again!!!

I work for a very large electronics retail company. We carry all sorts of different things and also have a lot of things on our website that are not in the store. This is common with any retail company because of the different store sizes and also the ability to store mass quantities of items in warehouse. Common knowledge...so I thought.

(A co-worker who does not work in the dreaded computer department approaches me with a customer)
Co-worker: he is needing to get a laptop battery

Me: ok, we do not have batteries in the store but I can try to order you one off of our website

Customer: but I bought the computer here 3 years ago

Me: we will more than likely have the battery on our website then for you to order

Customer: you mean to tell me that I bought a computer here and you people don't even have a replacement battery

(Okay let's cut away for a second and make a few statments. I want everyone to realize how many different laptop batteries there are. Literally thousands. Ok, he bought the laptop from us so we should carry the battery. That is a viable argument, BUT THIS LAPTOP IS 3 FREAKIN´ YEARS OLD. Even if we did carry the batteries in store there is no way we would have one for a laptop that is three years old. I mean computers change every 3 months! And you have a shitty (ryhmes with snail) computer that we carry very few things for anyways because of their massive amount of suckiness...ok back to the scene...)

Me: no sir we don't have any batteries in the store because it would literally be imposible for us to carry every battery for every laptop we have ever sold, but we have them stored in our big warehouse where we are actually able to carry all sorts of things.

Customer: THAT'S RIDICULOUS THAT I CAN'T COME TO THE DAMN STORE I BOUGHT MY LAPTOP FROM AND BUY A BATTERY FOR IT.

Me: yes sir, I understand but you're not going to be able to find the battery in any store. You will have to order it off of our website or contact the manufacturer.

Customer: (to his laughing wife) come on let's get out of here...I am never come back here or buying a computer from you people again

Customer's Wife: o shut up! Yea you will. What is the difference going to be anyways. Nobody else is going to have your stupid battery for your laptop either...(she turns to me and says thank you,...while smiling)

His own wife knew that he was being a complete jackass

I'm a crook

*Costumer comes into store*

Me: Thanks for coming in. Is there anything I can help you with?

Customer: I need a "yPad"

Me: ok, they are right....(interuption)

Customer: Is this a "yPad"

Me: No sir it is not, that is a netbook

Customer: what about this? Is this a "yPad"

Me: no sir that is a laptop. Our "yPads" are right over there in front of that massive "oranges" display that has a 50 inch television that is advertising your beloved yPad as we speak.

*We walk over to the yPads*

Me: these are the yPads

Customer: oh....can I put my "usb" into this

Me: no sir it does not have a usb port on it

Customer: where do I put my camera card at

Me: it does not have a sd card slot on it so you are not able to transfer photos onto it that way

Customer: can I print off of this

Me: no sir there currently is not a way to print directly from the device

Customer: what the hell would I use this for then!!? Why do you all sell something like this if I can't even plug my usb's into it or print from it. Y'all are just selling things to us just so you can make money. And the cheapest one is 500 dollars! Why would I want something that cost 500 dollars that isn't even any use to me!?


I stood back at a loss of words because this man had come in asking to purchase something that he knew nothing about and then when I informed him about the product I suddenly became the idiot. "I" was trying to get him to buy something that was useless to him. "I" was charging too much for such a device. "I" was the one that recommended the product. These sort of things happen very often. It is one of the single most frustrating things about working in retail. Customers come in asking for something they know nothing about and they 1) get pissed off when you tell them it isn't going to magically work the way they want it to or 2) what they are looking for doesn't exsist and the fact that we do not have it is "ridiculous" and 3) they have no idea what they are looking for and we have to miraculously read their minds and find out what they are in search of. "I need a usb chord"...."ok...continue".

False Advertising

First, do you have any idea how much of a pain in the ass it is for a big company to have to fight a False Advertising claim in court? They DO NOT want to have to do that for lots of reasons. So how do they avoid it? Lawyers, dummy! The lawyers investigate and research every single phrase of advertising and make sure it's not misleading.
Just so you can decide for yourself, here's a link to the legal definition of False Advertising.

Now...both of these stories actually happened this week. And the kicker is that the item in reference in both cases comes from a MAJOR software company, not our store.

1. Idiot Customer is looking at a laptop. Laptop has a price tag that tells what processor, ram, HDD size, etc. Tag also says, "(VERY popular productivity suite software) pre-loaded".
Idiot Customer says, "This laptop comes with (VERY popular productivity suite software) already installed?"
"It comes with a trial edition that runs for 60 days. If you want to unlock the trial so it will run forever you have to purchase a product activation key for $99.99."
*I can see the wheels turning in Idiot Customer's head, they're rusty.*
"That's false advertising!"
"What part of it do you think is misleading?"
"Where it says the software is pre-loaded. It implies that the full version is installed and registered."
"Sir, you are reading that into what it says. It doesn't say what version of the software is there, it just says it's there. That's not false."
"I'm going to report your store for false advertising!"
"I won't try to stop you, but I will suggest that you think just a little more about this. These computers are manufactured in China. All computers are manufactured in China these days. The computer company has a contract with (VERY popular productivity suite software manufacturer), who provides the software to them and instructs them how to install it. Now, if you want to complain about how the software is installed and how it's advertised, your issue is with (VERY popular productivity suite software manufacturer) or the computer manufacturer, not us. And, if you think they don't have a HUGE team of lawyers who check these kinds of things in advance, just so they can avoid issues like False Advertising, you are sorely mistaken. Even if you DO want to involve our store in this, we also have a HUGE team of corporate lawyers."
Idiot Customer walks away, grumbling. SCORE!!!! Another IDIOT bites the dust!

2. Old Idiot Customer is looking at display of the very same (VERY popular productivity suite software) as in case 1. This display is the product activation keys for the basic version and the slightly better version. The display has 2 price tags on it. 1 is for the basic version $119.99, the other is the slightly better version $199.99. There is also some info on the display that says, "Also available: 3 license version on disc." with some more text to describe what comes on the disc.
"May I help you?"
"I'm returning a copy of this stuff. I need the slightly better version."
I hand him a key card of the slightly better version. "Here's what you need."
"How much is that?"
"It's $199.99 off the shelf, $179.99 when purchased with a computer."
"How many computers can I install it on?"
"Just one."
Points to info about 3 license version.
"It says here I can install it on 3 computers."
"That's the disc version."
"I want the disc version."
I go get a disc for him.
"Here ya go."
"How much is this?"
"$279.99"
"It says here it's $199.99"
"No, that's the key card version."
"That's false advertising!"
He puts down the disc and heads for the front of the store.
Few minutes later I get paged to customer service.
Right, it's him. He's badgering the CSR about false advertising.
I have the display with me. I point out to him that it says "Also available...", and I rip open one of the key cards to show him there's no disc inside.
That shuts him up. SCORE!!!
CSR refunds his money after another 5 minutes of him berating her and the store.

So...in case 1 the customer thought too much and read in something that wasn't there.
In case 2 the old bastard just couldn't read...period.

Both of these customers are....drum roll....IDIOTS!!
I guess we're gonna have to start giving fucking IQ tests before we allow people into the department.

Grandma

Seventy-something woman walks in...
"May I help you?"
"Yes, I need a surge suppressor that will protect my phone line and Ethernet, and it must have at least 2500 Joules."
I look for a moment, find one, hand it to her.
"Here you are."
*(Insert here 5 minutes of her telling me how her phone and computer were ruined by a power surge. I sorta figured that out, since she was buying a SURGE SUPPRESSOR!)*
"And how many Joules is this?"
I point to the BIG label on the box that says 2750 Joules.
"It's 2750."
"OK, and where do I plug in the phone?"
I point to the BIG picture on the front that says, "Protects telephone systems."
"Right here, see?"
"Oh, yes. And where ...
I knew this was coming.
...do I plug in the Ethernet?"
I point to the same BIG picture on the front that says, "Protects computer systems."
"Right here."
"I see. This one is $49. Why won't the one marked $29 work?"
*Oh, shit. Could someone please call me to the phone or something so I can get away from this idiot?*
"Because it doesn't have Ethernet protection, see here?"
"Oh, yes. And what else can I plug in to it?"
It's got 8 sockets for AC, and 4 for Cable TV.
"In addition to protecting your phone and Ethernet, it will protect your cable TV lines, and you can plug in any AC-powered appliance."
"Can I plug my TV into it?"
(Big sigh)
"Yes, ma'm. Anything with a 3-prong plug." *Soon as I said that, I wished I could have taken it back.*
"Oh, I don't think my TV has a 3-prong plug."
"You won't get the protection without a 3-prong plug because it won't be grounded."
"Hmmmm...do you have anything smaller that would work?"
*FUCK!! This is the only damn suppressor that will do what she wants.*
"No, ma'm, we don't."
She points to an EMPTY hanger on the rack...
"Is this one smaller?"
"Yes ma'm it is, but it won't do what you want it to do. The one I gave you is the only one that will do what you asked for."
Points to ANOTHER FUCKING EMPTY HANGER...
"What about this one?"
"We're out of those. Ma'm...I've found you exactly what you asked for, and it's the ONLY one we carry that will do what you asked, so that makes it the smallest and cheapest we have that will do what you need it to."
"It's just so big and ugly."
"Ma'm, you're putting style before protection. Didn't you say that your phone and computer were ruined by a power surge? If you want this smaller, cheaper, prettier one here, you can buy it, but sooner or later your new phone and new computer are going to get ruined by a power surge AGAIN. Do you understand?"
"How does this work?"
*AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!*
"You plug it into the wall, and plug your cords into it." (Duhh)
"Are you sure the smaller one won't work?"
"I can check with my supervisor to be sure...?"
"Yes, please do."
I reach for my radio, turn it OFF, and pretend to be talking to someone about the smaller suppressor.
"He said the smaller one won't do, you have to have the first one I gave you."
"Alright."
With that, she turns and walks off, never said 'Thanks', 'I appreciate it', 'Kiss my ass' or nothing.
Could someone please explain to me why people ask the opinion of someone trained and experienced in the department where they're shopping, but don't believe us?
I need a drink.

Rules to live by

#1. God must love idiots for he certainly made a hell of a lot of them.
#2. Making something idiot-proof is a futile gesture for as soon as you do, God makes better idiots.
#3. When you look at a situation where the choices are the smart decision and the stupid one...always bet on stupidity.

Are you serious?

"May I help you?"
"Does this laptop come with the battery and charger?"
".......Are you serious?"
"...Yes, we lost the charger on our last laptop and I want to be sure the next one comes with one."
".....Would you excuse me for a minute?  I'll need to check on that, I'll be right back."
"OK"
(I clock out early and leave for the day.)
[Thanks to tall dude for this one.]

"Excuse me, you left this."

I'm becoming germ-a-phobic.
Since I've been selling to the public in a retail setting, I've been sick more than ever before.

It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist to figure out why:  It's the unclean masses that invade our store every day.

Google this: "bacteria shopping cart".  Read at least 2 of the articles, you'll want to wash your hands.
E. coli, STD, feces, blood, mucus, saliva, urine, bacteria counts in the range of 300,000.  That's enough to make you want to wear latex gloves.

I see little kids come into our department, walk down laptop row, and drag their fingers across every single keyboard.  They're either picking something up or laying something down.

I see adults handling the laptops, grabbing a misbehaving child, spanking it's butt, then back to the laptop.  Why don't you just drag the kid's ass across the keyboard while you're at it, dumbass?

Some big-box stores have a hand sanitizing station available near the entrance.  Betcha that it's probably one of the cleanest areas in terms of bacteria in the store.  That would be because PEOPLE WON'T USE IT!!
They will complain loud and long to anyone who will listen if the bathroom isn't spotless, but will they wash their hands...NO!

Ever visited a bathroom in a big store?  Sure, we all have.  Ever find it in a total mess..toilet paper everywhere, the liquid soap dispenser removed and the soap poured all over the floor, feces on the wall, graffiti on the walls, the toilet clogged with paper towels and overflowing. Think the employees did that?  Highly unlikely.  Anyone who would do something like that is a total waste of protein, likely the result of a leaky condom.

Another pet peeve of mine is those Rednecks who chew on a toothpick and then leave it on a shelf or toss it on the floor.  When I have to pick up something like that, I get a piece of paper and use it to touch the filthy thing.

I loaned my pen to a customer a few weeks ago.  What's the first thing she did?  Put it in her mouth!!
You fucking bitch, that's my lucky pen!  I've been using that pen for over a year and it hasn't run out of ink.
I took the pen back when she was finished, just so she wouldn't get to keep it, then threw it away.

When I own my own store, we're gonna have a MANDATORY, FULL-BODY sanitizing station as soon as you walk in the front door...
FOR THE FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!!

Lo-fat's Guide to Smart Computer Shopping

Want to walk out of the store feeling really good about your computer purchase? (Translation - want me to respect you and not have any reason to screw you over?)
Here's my guide...

When you come into the store...


* Turn off your damn phone!
This is the NUMBER ONE THING that pisses me off. Drive thru's, banks, and pharmacies won't serve you if you're on the phone, but I have to. I'll wait about 30 seconds for you to finish that call, then I'm gonna smile, wave and move on to the next customer who doesn't have a phone growing out of their ear.
If you walk in with your phone to your ear, don't expect us to come running wanting to help you. We wouldn't want to be bothered when we're on the phone, so we assume you don't either. Don't want to be bothered by a salesperson? Just keep talking on that phone.

* Be polite.
You don't have to kiss my ass, but wait until you're in a good mood to come in. Makes it easier for both of us, and I'm gonna find a way to fuck you if you're being an asshole.

* Don't stink!
We realize that some people have to come in after work...but...if you work picking up road kill, and it's July...take a shower and change clothes before you come in. If you stink, I'm gonna hand you a bar of soap and instruct you to get the hell out of my store.
On the other hand, don't drown yourself in cologne or perfume, it makes us gag.

* Be as brief as possible when stating your needs, give me the whole story up front.
I don't want to waste 15 minutes with your dumb ass just to have you tell me, "Oh yeah, I want to play World of Warcraft, too." which means we may have to shift gears to another class of (more expensive) computers.

* If you have specific games you want to play, know the system requirements!
We don't stock every fucking game in the universe, and I shouldn't have to waste my time looking up your stupid game just to find out that damn near any computer will play it just fine.

* Do some research first.
We love informed shoppers. They make the job so much easier. Think about it..."Hi, I want to look at the BugZapper 69 laptop, please." OR "I need a computer and I have no idea what I'm looking for." Which customer would you prefer to handle? Which customer has a clue? Which one is going to walk out with the laptop that has the best margin, and lots of high-margin accessories that he might not need?

* Be open minded.
Don't tell us that we don't know what we're talking about, your son-in-law (who probably hates you) told you that you could run 'World of Warcraft' with the graphics turned all the way up on that piece-of-shit Bozo 120 laptop that sells for $299, has a Celeron processor, 2 G of ram and nothing-special graphics. It won't. We know how to pick a computer for gaming. Listen to us, there's more than 25 years of computer experience in our department, AND we get training on this shit.

* Don't shop by color!
I could sell pink computers all day long, no matter what the hardware inside. If I see a girl under 16 coming this way with Mom, I just head straight for the piece-of-shit pink computer and wait for them. HEY, MORON...the hardware matters!


* Husbands and wives, agree beforehand who's going to make the final decision.
I've wasted enough time listening to couples say, "What do you think?" "I don't care, whatever you want."
Make your fucking mind up, will ya? You wanna call me when you two idiots have decided?

* Learn to read.
I'm not going to go down the row, reading the price and specs to you on every computer in the store. Seriously, if you're blind, say so, then I'll read to you. Otherwise, get a fucking education!

* Get a handle on your kids.
I can look at a family and decide if I want to wait on them or not. The ones with the quiet kids, who are following Mom and Dad, they're cool, I'll wait on them.
If you're coming in with your 12 y/o daughter who has her tongue pierced (you do know why they do that, don't you?), and your 15 y/o boy who has $1000 worth of tattoos and a dozen piercings in his face, then I'm heading the other way, and I'm giving the high sign to the other staff so they don't have to wait on you either.

Things NOT to say...


* "I'm computer illiterate."
Oh My God...how many times have I heard that! Do you realize that you are telling me, "I'm an idiot, I'll believe anything you tell me about computers because I don't have the initiative to learn the basics of owning a computer."
You come into my department and say that, I will EAT YOUR LUNCH, BITCH! You'll walk out spending so much more than you wanted to that you won't be able to go to McDonald's for a month, and we'll be laughing and high-five-ing for an hour after you leave.

* "I can spend $XXX on a computer."
When you say that, we always take you to a computer that is well under your budget. That way, we can sell you a computer that will leave you plenty of money to buy the Extended Warranty...and those over-priced cables...and that over-priced carrying case...and that expensive software...and all that other stuff that has such a great margin on it.

* "No up-sells, please."
FUCK...YOU, asshole, you're gonna hear 'em anyway because my job depends on 'em. Why the hell do you think they make us do that, Braniac? They're the stuff that has good margin. It's like, "Would you like to Super-Size that?" You don't want it? Fine, just say so, but you ARE gonna hear 'em.

* (Talking non-stop)
If you want me to answer a question, then ask it and SHUT THE FUCK UP so I can answer it. I don't want to hear your family history, don't give a shit about how smart your son is with computers, couldn't care less about anything that doesn't have to do with buying a new computer. I've learned to sleep standing up and with my eyes open by having to listen to people talk (some without breathing) for hours.

* (Not talking, or talking in a whisper)
How the fuck do you expect me to help you if I can't hear what you're saying. It's a noisy store. You've GOT to communicate or I'm just going to let you browse.

* "Ya'll fucked up my last computer so bad when I brought it in for service, that I swore I'd never be back. I wrote Corporate about how bad ya'll are. I blogged about how ya'll suck so bad. I hate this place, but I need a new computer."
What you've just told me is, "I'm a glutton for punishment." Muthafucka, you're gonna spend a LOT of money with me to make up for all that bitching. Muhahahah!

* "I need an antenna for my laptop so I can pull in my neighbor's wireless Internet better."
That's theft, you MORON. We're NOT going to tell you how to do that. Go fuck yourself you cheap bastard.


Not that we give a shit what the balance on your credit card is, but if you want to be a smart computer shopper, you better realize that YOU REALLY DO NEED...

* An external hard drive.
Learn how to back up your files. Don't lose all your irreplaceable pictures and files if your drive crashes, and don't pay anybody to transfer your files from old computer to new. Unless you like just anybody having access to your personal pictures and files, don't use any of those online backup services, do it yourself.

* Anti-virus.
Learn how to use it. The free stuff works just as good as the pay stuff. Microsoft Security Essentials, which is free, has proved to be an excellent anti-virus application. For spyware and the like, use the free edition of Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware.

* Extended Warranty.
43% of all laptops fail within the first 3 to 4 years.
Unless you love spending large amounts of money that you shouldn't have to, you need an Extended Warranty. You've got insurance on your car, house, life, correct? Then why not insure the item that you are going to entrust with your most personal and private information, the tool you use to get your work done, the item that you will soon realize that you can not do without. Just realize that you can find several 3rd parties that provide this service...Insurance companies, websites, your homeowners insurance might cover it. Shop around.
I get a boner when someone comes in and tells me, "The motherboard crashed on my laptop, and it's going to be almost $400 to fix it, so I thought I would just get a new computer." YOU ARE A LOCK FOR THE EXTENDED WARRANTY!! "Did you have our Extended Warranty?" "You DIDN'T?" "Oh my goodness, we would have fixed it or replaced it if you had."

* Computer Setup
We really don't give a shit if you don't want us to set up the computer for you, but don't insult us by saying that your grandson can do anything we can do to set it up. He can't. We use proprietary tools that he doesn't have access to and they do things in a heartbeat that would take him all day. Any moron can answer the questions about "What language do you want to use?", "What Time Zone are you in?", etc. It takes a technician to know what to do when the computer blue screens or won't start, or gives some cryptic error when booting. You wanna drive all the way back to the store if that happens, cool, set it up yourself.

* Microsoft Office
If you're a student, you need Microsoft Office. It contains the most popular word processor in the world, and you will need PowerPoint at some time. Stop bitching about cost, get it with your computer and be done with it. You may be able to use one copy on your desktop and the same copy on your laptop legally. Check the EULA.

* A Guru.
If you're really the idiot you say you are, you need somebody to call on when you're having trouble. DON'T CALL YOUR SALESPERSON!!! I repeat...DON'T CALL YOUR SALESPERSON. You might have left the store thinking I'm your friend, but I assure you, I'm not. You're just another customer. I'm in the business of SELLING computers, not supporting them. I don't have time to explain to you how to operate the damn thing. Go get a fucking book!
When you do find someone gullible enough to be your Guru, treat them with respect. Buy them a beer every now and then for no reason, and don't be calling at 2 am wanting to know what Google is. And speaking of Google, learn how to use it.
More notes on Gurus:
Is there anyone you know who is using your Guru? Is this guy really as smart as he says he is? Is he going to tell you that your computer needs a new motherboard when all it needs is a new, $5.00 CMOS Battery?
When is your Guru going to be available to you to fix your computer? Does he/she travel frequently or work a demanding, stressful job? Sure as you need him, he'll be out of town or on deadline at work.
What, if anything, will your Guru be charging you to work on your computer? By the hour or by the job? Try to find someone who will work by the job. Anything over $25/hour for computer repair should be cause for pause. By the way, if he tells you he'll fix your computer for free, that either means he wants to get "up close and personal" with your teenage daughter, or, he'll work on it when he damn well feels like it.
Where is your Guru going to get any parts that your computer might need? Will he be marking up the price of those parts? If so, then how much? Get your old parts back. Learn how to search for parts like he does, price them yourself and question him about why he recommends the more expensive part. There's a really old scam in the computer repair business called "part swapping". They tell you your video card needs to be replaced...you don't have a clue, so you say OK and pay. They put in an old card they had laying around and keep your nice, new card for their computer or the next moron who wants their computer fixed.

Reasons NOT to buy a new computer...

* My current computer is running slow. - That's fixable, do it yourself or call your Guru.
* I think I have a virus. - Fixable, do it yourself or call your Guru.
* The hard drive crashed. - Fixable, call your Guru to replace it and then restore your OS and files from your backup. You do have a backup, right?
* The hard drive is full. - Fixable. Get your Guru to install an additional drive, or get an external.
* My current computer is old. - This is borderline...possibly a reasonable reason to buy a new computer. You must ask, "What is the old computer not doing that I need a new computer to do?" If the answer does not fall in the "Fixable" category, AND you can justify the amount of money you currently have invested in the old computer plus the cost of a new computer, then it's reasonable to buy a new computer.

If you DO buy a new computer...


Do the following within 24 hours. Some stores have rules about how long you can keep a computer and still return it.

* Test EVERY input port and output port to make sure they work.

* Play AND burn a CD and a DVD to make sure the drive works.

* Check the monitor or display VERY CAREFULLY for dead pixels.

* De-fragment the hard drive. This won't really be necessary, but it will stress the hard drive, processor and ram enough that you will know if it's in good shape.

* Create a System Repair Disk. You never know when you might need one.

* When you have the computer set up just the way you want it, with all your software installed, create an image of the C: drive on your backup drive. That way you can restore your drive to "just right" status, rather than "factory" status.

There you have it...Lo-fat's guide to Smart Computer Shopping.

My patience is not compatible

People kill me with the words they use when speaking to a computer salesperson. Words like gigas, tetrabyte, refering to the computer as a modem, and the worst of all compatible. Now someone might be sitting here saying, "Now Akmed, compatible is a perfectly fine word to use when refering to computers. Such as, will my software be compatible with this? Is my printer compatible with this?". Oh I know, those are great questions. I'm talking about when a person is looking at a computer and asks me to show them a computer that is compatible to the one they are looking at. The first few times it happened it was "cute" but, you would not believe how many times this happens in a single day. It has gotten to the point that it bugs me so bad that when a customer asks me to show them a computer that is campatible to the one they are looking I always say to them "I don't know what you mean" then they tell me they want to look at one similar and I respond with "OH! You mean COMPARABLE!" Then the customer will get irritated with me and say "yea that's what I meant"...oh I'm sorry you dumbass for being oblivious to what you are talking about because of your atrocious use of the english language. Don't get mad at me for being intelligent and not understand what you're saying, get mad at your 3rd grade english teacher. They are the one that's the jackass for not teaching you how to speak correctly. You do not have to know a thing about computers to know how to use the word compatible correctly. And the salesman is the one that doesn't know anything about computers? Maybe if you knew what the crap you were talking about and made logical sense we would be able to help you. "I need a USB". Ok...continue..."I NEED A USB!". Ok, you yelling at me isn't going to change the fact that you are an idiot. Maybe next time you ask me if windows comes on the computer, when you are actually refering to microsoft office, I will just tell you yes instead of compensating for your stupidity.

Discount!

(Some people want a discount just for the sake of getting a discount. They could afford the product at list price, they just want to brag to their friends that they "Never pay list, always get a discount."

Well, we don't negotiate our prices...ever...for anybody...for any reason...no matter what.)

"May I help you?"
"I want this computer, but the price is too high."
"OK, I have another brand here that is a little less expensive, what about this one?"
"Nope, I want this one. Do you give a Military discount?"
"Thanks for serving...sorry, we don't give a Military discount."
"What about a Student discount?"
"No, sorry."
"Is there a discount for paying cash?"
"No."
"Can I get it cheaper if I get your store credit card?"
"No."
"Is it going on sale any time soon?"
"We never know in advance about sale prices."
"OK, look...I'm not paying full price; you're overcharging for that computer. Is there any way I can get a discount?"
*If you were a pretty woman we might work something out, but you're an ugly old man* "Sorry sir, we don't negotiate prices and I don't have the authority to reduce the price on anything." *I said that on purpose, read on*
"Ah ha! You can't reduce the price, can your manager reduce the price?"
"Yes, sir. Would you like me to ask my manager to discount this computer for you?"
"Yes!"
"OK, I'll have to find him, it may take a few minutes. Please be patient."
"OK."
*I make my way to the break room, get a candy bar from the vending machine, and sit down. A minute or two later, my supervisor walks in.* "Hey Lo-fat, aren't you supposed to be on the floor right now?" "Sure am, boss." "Then what are you doing in here?" "Getting a discount for a customer." "Hahahaha, OK, buddy. No prob-lem-o."
*I finish my candy bar, walk back to the customer with a big smile on my face and give them the thumbs-up.*
"Sorry to keep you waiting, but I got you a nice discount. My manager said if you would buy this printer along with your computer he would authorize a $40 discount on the total price! That's a great deal, eh?"
"Hmmmm...I don't need a printer, but that's a nice discount...OK, let's do it!"
"Cool, right this way..."
*You stupid IDIOT! Your addiction to discounts cost you full price on the computer, and you paid us even more for a piece of shit printer that ALWAYS gets a $40 discount when purchased with a computer! Wait till you need ink for that piece of shit. The refills are $18 each, and there's 4 of 'em in there!!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!*

ON | OFF

(Phone rings) "Computers, may I help you?"

"Hi, I bought a desktop computer from you last week, remember?"

*WHAT? I didn't even say my name!* "Ummm...sorry, I don't recognize the voice."

"OK, anyway...I've got this thing put together and I can't figure out how to turn it on."

"Oh! Now I remember...you're the guy who said he builds computers and works on them all the time."

"Right, right!"

"And you're having trouble turning your computer on?" *You MORON!*

"Right, where's the switch?"

*Patience, pretend he's a child* "Look on the front of the computer, near the top. There's the Power logo, the circle with a bar coming out the top. See it?"

"No...oh wait, near the TOP, you said."

*Oh My God! He thinks the power switch might be near the BOTTOM of the tower!*

"Yes, near the top."

"OK!!! Found it. What now?"

*Jesus! You need instruction from this point?*

"That's the power switch. Press and release it once, and the computer should start up. The switch should light up."

"OK, ...YES, it's working!" "One more question."

"OK..."

"I need to download some software. How do I open the CD drive?"

*Download...Oh, he means 'install' some software. I guess it stands to reason if he couldn't figure out how to turn on the computer, then he won't know how to open the DVD drive. Sigh....*

"Look about 2 to 3 inches below the power switch, you should see the "Eject" logo, a little house with a line underneath it. Press the button below that."

*Remember now, this is the guy who told me he builds and works on computers all the time!!*

*He hunts around for a few seconds and finally finds it.*
"Ok, I found it. Hey, do you think I should use some kind of anti-virus?"
(...pause...)

"Did you find it...sir...are you there?"

"Yes, I'm here, can you hear me?"

"Sir, are you still there?"

"YES, I'M HERE!!"

"Hey, Akmed, this phone is acting up again, I just got disconnected."

I hang up. ;-)

Ok this was ridiculous...

Customer comes into the department that I work in and browses through our selection of laptops. He finally sets his sights on one computer and calls me over and asks the notorious question "How much is this?". That computer is $300 (I say as I point to the large price tag). He says, "Is it a good one?". I respond by saying "You get what you pay for in computers for the most part". And then the most idiotic question you could ever ask about a computer comes "what all can I do with it?"... I stare at him dumbfounded and say "Sir...there is no way that I can tell you what all you can do with that computer". He responds by saying "well fine I'm going to go somewhere else where they can tell me what I can do with it". I, in every bit of politeness that I have, say "If you find someone that can tell you what all you can do with it, be sure to let us know!"

...Oh humor me more, consumers that "know more than us"

FREE INTERNET!!

Ok this was ridiculous...

I was at work one day doing something on the computer that is for the employees to use. The phone rings and I answer "How may I help you!?". The person on the other line tells me that she was in the store the day before and purchased "the laptop that was on sale" ( a.k.a the pieces of shit). She gives me a long explanation of some garbage that causes me to have a puzzled look on my face. She finally tells me that when she bought the computer that we told her it could pick up wireless internet but she was at home and could not get it to connect to the internet. I ask her if she has internet service and she rudely says to me "NO I DON'T HAVE INTERNET SERVICE BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME THIS PICKED UP WIRELESS INTERNET!!!". I sit there for a few seconds in disbelief and calmly say to her "Ma'am internet is not free. You have to subscribe to internet service". She then tells me that she was just going to bring it back because the one that they had at X-mart came with internet. I told her I don't blame her, I would go get that one too if it came with internet.

...Oh humor me more consumers that "know more than us"

The Double-D Backspace

Years ago, I was self-employed, doing outside tech support.  I got a call from a lady at a local business that I couldn't resolve on the phone, so I went to visit.

She stated that her job is to type up the minutes of weekly department meetings, and she was having problems with text disappearing at random times.

I asked her to try and reproduce the conditions where the text disappeared, but everything worked just fine.

I told her to just continue like I wasn't there, and I would watch to see if I could pick up anything.

She typed away for about 15 minutes before her phone rang.

The phone was located far enough away that she had to reach over the keyboard and stretch to answer it.

This lady had very large breasts, I mean DD size.  When she reached for the phone, her right breast mashed down on the backspace key and started erasing her text.

I blushed when I explained the problem to her, but we had a laugh, and reorganized her desk and phone.  No more disappearing text!

I want to connect my computer to my TV

"May I help you?"
"I want to connect my computer to my TV."
*I say to myself, "Oh crap, here we go again.* "OK, what kind of video output does your computer have?"
"I don't know."
*You IDIOT...did you not realize that you have to connect the output of the computer to the input of the TV?* "OK, does your computer have this port on it?" (I point to the VGA out on a nearby laptop.)
"I didn't get my computer here."
*You FUCKING IDIOT!* "It doesn't matter where you got your computer; does it have this port on it?"
"I don't know."
*Maybe we can look this idiot's computer up on the Internet.* "OK, do you know what make and model your computer is?"
"Yes, it's a Dell."
"OK, what model Dell?"
"I don't know."
*I'm considering suicide at this point.* "Well, there's not much I can do to help you if we can't figure out what kind of video output the computer has. You don't happen to have it with you do you?"
"Yes, it's in the car."
*I really need to start smoking again, this shit is driving me crazy!* "Well, if I could look at it, I can tell you what kind of video out it has."
"OK, I'll go get it."
Idiot returns with computer...
"OK, you have VGA out only. Does your TV have this same kind of port?" *I have a sinking feeling about what the answer is going to be.*
"I don't know." *Bingo! I was right!*
"Do you know what make and model TV you have?" *Again, I know what the answer is going to be.*
"Yes, it's an O.P.S." (O.P.S...??? Old Piece of Shit)
"OK, what model O.P.S.?"
"I don't know."
*Take a deep breath, go to your happy place.* "Let's go look at some TVs, maybe you'll see one like yours."
"I've already looked at your TVs, you don't have any like mine."
"None at all?"
"No, yours are all flat and skinny. *uh-oh, here it comes* Mine is in a fine oak cabinet, and has a record player and a radio in it also." (tube type TV)
"Uh...how old is your TV?"
"It's been working perfectly for 15 years!"
"Well, I'm sorry but TVs that old aren't going to have any video input on them. You won't be able to connect your computer to the TV."
"You don't know what you're talking about. I saw a cable on E-bay that the seller said would work just fine."
"OK, good luck with that." *Pardon me while I blow my brains out!*

Do you still have your receipt?

(Phone rings)
"Computers, may I help you?"
"I hope so, my monitor has stopped working."
OK, is it plugged into the wall?"
"Yes, it is."
"Is it connected to the computer?"
"Yes, it was working just a little while ago."
"OK, when it stopped working did anything special happen?"
"Ummm, yes, the lights went off."
"....OK...the lights went off and your monitor quit working?"
"Right, what could be wrong?"
"Do you still have the receipt from the store where you bought your computer?"
"Yes, I do.  Do you think there's something wrong with my computer?"
"No, there's nothing wrong with your computer."
"Well, what should I do?"
"I want you to box up that computer and take it back to the store where you bought it."
"Uh-huh, what should I tell them?"
"Nothing, just get your money back, because you're too damn stupid to own a computer!!"

"I can get that cheaper at X-Mart"

Then WHY THE HELL are you here instead of being at X-Mart!

How much is this one?

We have price tags on ALL our display computers.
It NEVER FAILS...the customer will ask, "How much is this one?

I grit my teeth and point to the price tag, and read it aloud to them.

THEN...they ALWAYS ask..."How much is that with tax?"

Our tax is 10%..."Can you not calculate "Price + 10%" in your head"?