The smart way to get your complaint resolved.

Let's pretend that you're that rare breed of customer who follows Lo-fat's Guide to Smart Computer Shopping.  You're polite, turn your cell phone off when you come in, etc.  But...
We're out of the computer you want, but we order it for you to pick up in the store about a week later.  Cool, no prob-lem-o.
YESSSSSSSSSSS, PROB-LEM-O GRANDE!!  They ship your computer to the store in Bum-Fuck Egypt, and all attempts to get it back are failing.  Customer service acknowledges that your computer is in Egypt, but you hit the brick wall after that.

What do you do?  This is the time to use the 4 steps to getting the company off it's ass and moving toward a resolution to your issue.

Step 1.
Executive Customer Service - How to get routed to a high-ranking exec's secretary who will pass you off to the secret elite customer service squadron. They can solve any and all problems, lest you persist in escalating and interrupt some corporate asshole's golf game or steak dinner.
Most all large companies have some sort of executive customer service staff, made up of individuals who have the power to cut through all sorts of red tape.  The key is knowing how to access these wonderful people who can make things right when everything else has gone wrong.

* For public companies, put the stock ticker symbol in Google Finance and pull up the profile page. The corporate office should be listed under Company Facts.

* Call the corporate office.

* Ask for a transfer to the office of the CEO.

* You will likely get an exec. assistant but that's good. Voice mail is ok, too.

* Give a succinct summary, including identifying details like order numbers and confirmation numbers.

* Remain nice.  By all means, retain your cool.  We don't give a shit about helping assholes that scream and shout and threaten to sue.

Within a day, you should get the phone call equivalent to the holy grail--a call back by someone on the executive service team.

If Step 1 doesn't work, proceed to...
Setp 2.
EECB (Executive Email Carpet Bomb) - Sending an email blast to as many high-ranking execs as you can. The trick is figuring out the corporate email address format and combining it with publicly posted lists of company execs.

1. Exhaust normal channels
Have you called customer service? Asked for a supervisor? Hung up and tried again? Give regular customer service a chance to fix the problem before you go nuclear.

2. Write a really good complaint letter.
Be clear, concise, polite, and professional. State exactly what you want. See this post, for complaint letter writing tips. Pitch your issue in a way that affects their bottom line. Spellcheck and include contact information.

3. Determine the corporate email address format.
Look through their website or Google for press releases. Examine the PR flack's email address. What's the format? Is it firstname.lastname@company.com? FirstletteroffirstnameLastname@companyname.com? Figure it out and write it down.

4. Compile a list of the company's top executives
This is often available on the company website, under sections like "corporate officers" or "corporate governance." You can also look the company up on Google Finance and look under management, although this list tends to only be partial.

5. Combine the names from step 4 with the format from step 3 to create an email list

6. Send your complaint to the list from step 5.

7. Sit back and wait.

If Step 2 doesn't work, proceed to...
Step 3.
Small Claims Court - For just a few hours work and under $50, you can get a judge to make a company give you what you're owed.
Small claims or conciliation court provides a way for individuals to settle their differences with the help of a neutral referee or judge.

Some tips to help you win your case in conciliation court.

The price of admission is generally low, between $50 and $100 most places. The plaintiff (the person who starts the case) files a short statement of the claim, pays the filing fee, and serves the defendant either by mail or by using the sheriff or other third party for personal service.

Conciliation court is a great place for consumers to get some justice. Before bringing your claim, however, you will want to check with your state's conciliation court to make sure you can actually bring your case. Generally, the defendant you intend to sue must have some personal or business presence in the state. Also, the amount of money you are seeking will probably have to fall beneath a certain amount. In Minnesota, for example, the total amount of the claim must be below $7,500.

You can probably find the complaint forms and other information on your state's or county's website. Fill them out carefully and completely, and bring them to court to file.

Here are a few more tips for your day in court:

* Spend a bit of time watching the daytime court shows. Seriously. Other than the judge's sass, they're not too different from conciliation court. Notice what the litigants do wrong.

* Bring all your exhibits and witnesses with you to court. Make an extra copy of documents, and keep them organized.

* Focus on the logical reason you should win. So often I see people want to tell their story. (A) There isn't time, and (B) it's irrelevant. Stick to the facts and why they matter.

* Always show respect for the judge or referee. They are the ones who decide whether you win or lose. The no-fail method of address is "your honor."

Conciliation court is a great way for consumers to get some justice in the courts. Build your case carefully and present it as professionally as you can, and good luck on your day in court!

Suing a company in small claims court is fun and easy and oftentimes the company won't even try to fight back. One thing you want to make sure to remember though is to look up the company's "registered agent" in the state where you are filing. If you don't serve this person with notice of the case, it could result in a dismissal.

To find a company's registered agent (RA), you can call up your secretary of state's office, and or you can find the information online. It only costs a small fee to have the sheriff's office deliver the notice and then you're well on your way to fighting back with gusto. Also, you should also check with the RA before sending the sheriff over to make sure that the RA you found in the database is still the current RA.

If Step 3 doesn't work, proceed with...
Step 4.
Chargeback - Pay with a credit card and if you don't end up getting the goods or services you ordered, you can reverse the charge and not have to pay for it.

A chargeback is when the credit card company withdraws the money for a transaction from a merchant's account and deposited in a consumer's following a dispute.

Basically, you do a chargeback when you feel like you're not getting what you paid for, in terms of the quality or type of good or service.

To start a chargeback, contact your credit card company and ask. A dispute process begins and the merchant will have to provide proof they rendered service properly. If the merchant can't provide sufficient evidence, the credit card company debits the transaction amount from the merchant's account and credits it to your account.

Additionally, the credit card company charges the merchant a chargeback fee.

Use chargebacks as a last resort and never before making several attempts to resolve an issue directly with a merchant. The last step before doing a chargeback is to threaten to use one. Sometimes that's enough to change an asshole's mind and let them know you're serious.

I'm not going to screw you over unless you act like an asshole, but if I do, this is golden information to use against the company.  ;-)

"Of course you'd say that..."

Gray-haired, professional-looking woman walks in with a teenage boy.

"May I help you?"
"My son needs a computer for college."
"OK, what are you going to be studying?"
"Music."
"Very good. I think this one would be just fine for that. It has (blah, blah, blah)."
"What about this one?" (Points to another brand, much more expensive.)
"That would be an excellent choice, also."
"Well, of course you'd say that, since you're selling them."

*You pompous BITCH! What'd you ask for if you didn't want an answer! What'd you expect me to say?*

"Well, ma'm, we're not on commission, it doesn't matter to me what you buy, I was just offering my opinion."
"If you really mean that, then tell me which ones I DON'T want to buy."

*How DARE you question my integrity, you low-life scumbag!! Oh...wait a minute...I don't have any integrity. ;-)
I've seen this kind of bitch before. They push your buttons as hard as they can, looking for a reason to complain, and by way of that complaint, get a big discount on their purchase.
You've pissed me off Royally, now bitch. I'm looking for a way to screw you over before you leave.*

"My pleasure. You need to stay away from anything with less than 4 GB of ram, and less than a Dual-Core processor. This one, this one and this one would not be what you're looking for. Everything else is acceptable."

*I swear to God, we walk down the whole row of laptops, playing this same, stupid game for over half an hour..."What makes this one better than that one? What's the difference between Intel and AMD? What's the jigabites on this one?"*

*She finally settles in on one particular model. I know from looking it up earlier, it's not in stock.
She's been wasting my time and being a real hard-ass. Now it's my turn! Muhahahah!*

*She asks all the same, idiotic questions she's been asking about every other laptop. I answer every one, patiently, slipping in as many times as I can that this is the ONE, nothing else will meet every need she has as well as this one. Finally...*

"OK, we'll take this one."
"Great, I'll just grab you one.......Uh-oh, oh my goodness, it looks like there's not any of those in stock. Just one second and I'll check the inventory system to be sure.
...
I'm SO sorry, there are none in the store. May I check to see if I can order you one?"
"OK, but we need it this week."
...
"Dog-gone-it, that model is back-ordered online. Right now, there's just not any way we can get one of those for you. It's too bad, too. That's the ONE, PERFECT computer for your son."

*They leave, but she makes a point to mention that they are going to X-Mart to buy one that they saw earlier.

SCORE!!! I made her think that that was the one and only computer that she wanted, then wasted a bunch of her time talking about something that I knew wasn't in stock, and got rid of a customer that was going to be trouble no matter what she bought.

That's a WIN in my book!*

i'm never coming here again!!!

I work for a very large electronics retail company. We carry all sorts of different things and also have a lot of things on our website that are not in the store. This is common with any retail company because of the different store sizes and also the ability to store mass quantities of items in warehouse. Common knowledge...so I thought.

(A co-worker who does not work in the dreaded computer department approaches me with a customer)
Co-worker: he is needing to get a laptop battery

Me: ok, we do not have batteries in the store but I can try to order you one off of our website

Customer: but I bought the computer here 3 years ago

Me: we will more than likely have the battery on our website then for you to order

Customer: you mean to tell me that I bought a computer here and you people don't even have a replacement battery

(Okay let's cut away for a second and make a few statments. I want everyone to realize how many different laptop batteries there are. Literally thousands. Ok, he bought the laptop from us so we should carry the battery. That is a viable argument, BUT THIS LAPTOP IS 3 FREAKIN´ YEARS OLD. Even if we did carry the batteries in store there is no way we would have one for a laptop that is three years old. I mean computers change every 3 months! And you have a shitty (ryhmes with snail) computer that we carry very few things for anyways because of their massive amount of suckiness...ok back to the scene...)

Me: no sir we don't have any batteries in the store because it would literally be imposible for us to carry every battery for every laptop we have ever sold, but we have them stored in our big warehouse where we are actually able to carry all sorts of things.

Customer: THAT'S RIDICULOUS THAT I CAN'T COME TO THE DAMN STORE I BOUGHT MY LAPTOP FROM AND BUY A BATTERY FOR IT.

Me: yes sir, I understand but you're not going to be able to find the battery in any store. You will have to order it off of our website or contact the manufacturer.

Customer: (to his laughing wife) come on let's get out of here...I am never come back here or buying a computer from you people again

Customer's Wife: o shut up! Yea you will. What is the difference going to be anyways. Nobody else is going to have your stupid battery for your laptop either...(she turns to me and says thank you,...while smiling)

His own wife knew that he was being a complete jackass

I'm a crook

*Costumer comes into store*

Me: Thanks for coming in. Is there anything I can help you with?

Customer: I need a "yPad"

Me: ok, they are right....(interuption)

Customer: Is this a "yPad"

Me: No sir it is not, that is a netbook

Customer: what about this? Is this a "yPad"

Me: no sir that is a laptop. Our "yPads" are right over there in front of that massive "oranges" display that has a 50 inch television that is advertising your beloved yPad as we speak.

*We walk over to the yPads*

Me: these are the yPads

Customer: oh....can I put my "usb" into this

Me: no sir it does not have a usb port on it

Customer: where do I put my camera card at

Me: it does not have a sd card slot on it so you are not able to transfer photos onto it that way

Customer: can I print off of this

Me: no sir there currently is not a way to print directly from the device

Customer: what the hell would I use this for then!!? Why do you all sell something like this if I can't even plug my usb's into it or print from it. Y'all are just selling things to us just so you can make money. And the cheapest one is 500 dollars! Why would I want something that cost 500 dollars that isn't even any use to me!?


I stood back at a loss of words because this man had come in asking to purchase something that he knew nothing about and then when I informed him about the product I suddenly became the idiot. "I" was trying to get him to buy something that was useless to him. "I" was charging too much for such a device. "I" was the one that recommended the product. These sort of things happen very often. It is one of the single most frustrating things about working in retail. Customers come in asking for something they know nothing about and they 1) get pissed off when you tell them it isn't going to magically work the way they want it to or 2) what they are looking for doesn't exsist and the fact that we do not have it is "ridiculous" and 3) they have no idea what they are looking for and we have to miraculously read their minds and find out what they are in search of. "I need a usb chord"...."ok...continue".

False Advertising

First, do you have any idea how much of a pain in the ass it is for a big company to have to fight a False Advertising claim in court? They DO NOT want to have to do that for lots of reasons. So how do they avoid it? Lawyers, dummy! The lawyers investigate and research every single phrase of advertising and make sure it's not misleading.
Just so you can decide for yourself, here's a link to the legal definition of False Advertising.

Now...both of these stories actually happened this week. And the kicker is that the item in reference in both cases comes from a MAJOR software company, not our store.

1. Idiot Customer is looking at a laptop. Laptop has a price tag that tells what processor, ram, HDD size, etc. Tag also says, "(VERY popular productivity suite software) pre-loaded".
Idiot Customer says, "This laptop comes with (VERY popular productivity suite software) already installed?"
"It comes with a trial edition that runs for 60 days. If you want to unlock the trial so it will run forever you have to purchase a product activation key for $99.99."
*I can see the wheels turning in Idiot Customer's head, they're rusty.*
"That's false advertising!"
"What part of it do you think is misleading?"
"Where it says the software is pre-loaded. It implies that the full version is installed and registered."
"Sir, you are reading that into what it says. It doesn't say what version of the software is there, it just says it's there. That's not false."
"I'm going to report your store for false advertising!"
"I won't try to stop you, but I will suggest that you think just a little more about this. These computers are manufactured in China. All computers are manufactured in China these days. The computer company has a contract with (VERY popular productivity suite software manufacturer), who provides the software to them and instructs them how to install it. Now, if you want to complain about how the software is installed and how it's advertised, your issue is with (VERY popular productivity suite software manufacturer) or the computer manufacturer, not us. And, if you think they don't have a HUGE team of lawyers who check these kinds of things in advance, just so they can avoid issues like False Advertising, you are sorely mistaken. Even if you DO want to involve our store in this, we also have a HUGE team of corporate lawyers."
Idiot Customer walks away, grumbling. SCORE!!!! Another IDIOT bites the dust!

2. Old Idiot Customer is looking at display of the very same (VERY popular productivity suite software) as in case 1. This display is the product activation keys for the basic version and the slightly better version. The display has 2 price tags on it. 1 is for the basic version $119.99, the other is the slightly better version $199.99. There is also some info on the display that says, "Also available: 3 license version on disc." with some more text to describe what comes on the disc.
"May I help you?"
"I'm returning a copy of this stuff. I need the slightly better version."
I hand him a key card of the slightly better version. "Here's what you need."
"How much is that?"
"It's $199.99 off the shelf, $179.99 when purchased with a computer."
"How many computers can I install it on?"
"Just one."
Points to info about 3 license version.
"It says here I can install it on 3 computers."
"That's the disc version."
"I want the disc version."
I go get a disc for him.
"Here ya go."
"How much is this?"
"$279.99"
"It says here it's $199.99"
"No, that's the key card version."
"That's false advertising!"
He puts down the disc and heads for the front of the store.
Few minutes later I get paged to customer service.
Right, it's him. He's badgering the CSR about false advertising.
I have the display with me. I point out to him that it says "Also available...", and I rip open one of the key cards to show him there's no disc inside.
That shuts him up. SCORE!!!
CSR refunds his money after another 5 minutes of him berating her and the store.

So...in case 1 the customer thought too much and read in something that wasn't there.
In case 2 the old bastard just couldn't read...period.

Both of these customers are....drum roll....IDIOTS!!
I guess we're gonna have to start giving fucking IQ tests before we allow people into the department.

Grandma

Seventy-something woman walks in...
"May I help you?"
"Yes, I need a surge suppressor that will protect my phone line and Ethernet, and it must have at least 2500 Joules."
I look for a moment, find one, hand it to her.
"Here you are."
*(Insert here 5 minutes of her telling me how her phone and computer were ruined by a power surge. I sorta figured that out, since she was buying a SURGE SUPPRESSOR!)*
"And how many Joules is this?"
I point to the BIG label on the box that says 2750 Joules.
"It's 2750."
"OK, and where do I plug in the phone?"
I point to the BIG picture on the front that says, "Protects telephone systems."
"Right here, see?"
"Oh, yes. And where ...
I knew this was coming.
...do I plug in the Ethernet?"
I point to the same BIG picture on the front that says, "Protects computer systems."
"Right here."
"I see. This one is $49. Why won't the one marked $29 work?"
*Oh, shit. Could someone please call me to the phone or something so I can get away from this idiot?*
"Because it doesn't have Ethernet protection, see here?"
"Oh, yes. And what else can I plug in to it?"
It's got 8 sockets for AC, and 4 for Cable TV.
"In addition to protecting your phone and Ethernet, it will protect your cable TV lines, and you can plug in any AC-powered appliance."
"Can I plug my TV into it?"
(Big sigh)
"Yes, ma'm. Anything with a 3-prong plug." *Soon as I said that, I wished I could have taken it back.*
"Oh, I don't think my TV has a 3-prong plug."
"You won't get the protection without a 3-prong plug because it won't be grounded."
"Hmmmm...do you have anything smaller that would work?"
*FUCK!! This is the only damn suppressor that will do what she wants.*
"No, ma'm, we don't."
She points to an EMPTY hanger on the rack...
"Is this one smaller?"
"Yes ma'm it is, but it won't do what you want it to do. The one I gave you is the only one that will do what you asked for."
Points to ANOTHER FUCKING EMPTY HANGER...
"What about this one?"
"We're out of those. Ma'm...I've found you exactly what you asked for, and it's the ONLY one we carry that will do what you asked, so that makes it the smallest and cheapest we have that will do what you need it to."
"It's just so big and ugly."
"Ma'm, you're putting style before protection. Didn't you say that your phone and computer were ruined by a power surge? If you want this smaller, cheaper, prettier one here, you can buy it, but sooner or later your new phone and new computer are going to get ruined by a power surge AGAIN. Do you understand?"
"How does this work?"
*AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!*
"You plug it into the wall, and plug your cords into it." (Duhh)
"Are you sure the smaller one won't work?"
"I can check with my supervisor to be sure...?"
"Yes, please do."
I reach for my radio, turn it OFF, and pretend to be talking to someone about the smaller suppressor.
"He said the smaller one won't do, you have to have the first one I gave you."
"Alright."
With that, she turns and walks off, never said 'Thanks', 'I appreciate it', 'Kiss my ass' or nothing.
Could someone please explain to me why people ask the opinion of someone trained and experienced in the department where they're shopping, but don't believe us?
I need a drink.

Rules to live by

#1. God must love idiots for he certainly made a hell of a lot of them.
#2. Making something idiot-proof is a futile gesture for as soon as you do, God makes better idiots.
#3. When you look at a situation where the choices are the smart decision and the stupid one...always bet on stupidity.

Are you serious?

"May I help you?"
"Does this laptop come with the battery and charger?"
".......Are you serious?"
"...Yes, we lost the charger on our last laptop and I want to be sure the next one comes with one."
".....Would you excuse me for a minute?  I'll need to check on that, I'll be right back."
"OK"
(I clock out early and leave for the day.)
[Thanks to tall dude for this one.]

"Excuse me, you left this."

I'm becoming germ-a-phobic.
Since I've been selling to the public in a retail setting, I've been sick more than ever before.

It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist to figure out why:  It's the unclean masses that invade our store every day.

Google this: "bacteria shopping cart".  Read at least 2 of the articles, you'll want to wash your hands.
E. coli, STD, feces, blood, mucus, saliva, urine, bacteria counts in the range of 300,000.  That's enough to make you want to wear latex gloves.

I see little kids come into our department, walk down laptop row, and drag their fingers across every single keyboard.  They're either picking something up or laying something down.

I see adults handling the laptops, grabbing a misbehaving child, spanking it's butt, then back to the laptop.  Why don't you just drag the kid's ass across the keyboard while you're at it, dumbass?

Some big-box stores have a hand sanitizing station available near the entrance.  Betcha that it's probably one of the cleanest areas in terms of bacteria in the store.  That would be because PEOPLE WON'T USE IT!!
They will complain loud and long to anyone who will listen if the bathroom isn't spotless, but will they wash their hands...NO!

Ever visited a bathroom in a big store?  Sure, we all have.  Ever find it in a total mess..toilet paper everywhere, the liquid soap dispenser removed and the soap poured all over the floor, feces on the wall, graffiti on the walls, the toilet clogged with paper towels and overflowing. Think the employees did that?  Highly unlikely.  Anyone who would do something like that is a total waste of protein, likely the result of a leaky condom.

Another pet peeve of mine is those Rednecks who chew on a toothpick and then leave it on a shelf or toss it on the floor.  When I have to pick up something like that, I get a piece of paper and use it to touch the filthy thing.

I loaned my pen to a customer a few weeks ago.  What's the first thing she did?  Put it in her mouth!!
You fucking bitch, that's my lucky pen!  I've been using that pen for over a year and it hasn't run out of ink.
I took the pen back when she was finished, just so she wouldn't get to keep it, then threw it away.

When I own my own store, we're gonna have a MANDATORY, FULL-BODY sanitizing station as soon as you walk in the front door...
FOR THE FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!!

Lo-fat's Guide to Smart Computer Shopping

Want to walk out of the store feeling really good about your computer purchase? (Translation - want me to respect you and not have any reason to screw you over?)
Here's my guide...

When you come into the store...


* Turn off your damn phone!
This is the NUMBER ONE THING that pisses me off. Drive thru's, banks, and pharmacies won't serve you if you're on the phone, but I have to. I'll wait about 30 seconds for you to finish that call, then I'm gonna smile, wave and move on to the next customer who doesn't have a phone growing out of their ear.
If you walk in with your phone to your ear, don't expect us to come running wanting to help you. We wouldn't want to be bothered when we're on the phone, so we assume you don't either. Don't want to be bothered by a salesperson? Just keep talking on that phone.

* Be polite.
You don't have to kiss my ass, but wait until you're in a good mood to come in. Makes it easier for both of us, and I'm gonna find a way to fuck you if you're being an asshole.

* Don't stink!
We realize that some people have to come in after work...but...if you work picking up road kill, and it's July...take a shower and change clothes before you come in. If you stink, I'm gonna hand you a bar of soap and instruct you to get the hell out of my store.
On the other hand, don't drown yourself in cologne or perfume, it makes us gag.

* Be as brief as possible when stating your needs, give me the whole story up front.
I don't want to waste 15 minutes with your dumb ass just to have you tell me, "Oh yeah, I want to play World of Warcraft, too." which means we may have to shift gears to another class of (more expensive) computers.

* If you have specific games you want to play, know the system requirements!
We don't stock every fucking game in the universe, and I shouldn't have to waste my time looking up your stupid game just to find out that damn near any computer will play it just fine.

* Do some research first.
We love informed shoppers. They make the job so much easier. Think about it..."Hi, I want to look at the BugZapper 69 laptop, please." OR "I need a computer and I have no idea what I'm looking for." Which customer would you prefer to handle? Which customer has a clue? Which one is going to walk out with the laptop that has the best margin, and lots of high-margin accessories that he might not need?

* Be open minded.
Don't tell us that we don't know what we're talking about, your son-in-law (who probably hates you) told you that you could run 'World of Warcraft' with the graphics turned all the way up on that piece-of-shit Bozo 120 laptop that sells for $299, has a Celeron processor, 2 G of ram and nothing-special graphics. It won't. We know how to pick a computer for gaming. Listen to us, there's more than 25 years of computer experience in our department, AND we get training on this shit.

* Don't shop by color!
I could sell pink computers all day long, no matter what the hardware inside. If I see a girl under 16 coming this way with Mom, I just head straight for the piece-of-shit pink computer and wait for them. HEY, MORON...the hardware matters!


* Husbands and wives, agree beforehand who's going to make the final decision.
I've wasted enough time listening to couples say, "What do you think?" "I don't care, whatever you want."
Make your fucking mind up, will ya? You wanna call me when you two idiots have decided?

* Learn to read.
I'm not going to go down the row, reading the price and specs to you on every computer in the store. Seriously, if you're blind, say so, then I'll read to you. Otherwise, get a fucking education!

* Get a handle on your kids.
I can look at a family and decide if I want to wait on them or not. The ones with the quiet kids, who are following Mom and Dad, they're cool, I'll wait on them.
If you're coming in with your 12 y/o daughter who has her tongue pierced (you do know why they do that, don't you?), and your 15 y/o boy who has $1000 worth of tattoos and a dozen piercings in his face, then I'm heading the other way, and I'm giving the high sign to the other staff so they don't have to wait on you either.

Things NOT to say...


* "I'm computer illiterate."
Oh My God...how many times have I heard that! Do you realize that you are telling me, "I'm an idiot, I'll believe anything you tell me about computers because I don't have the initiative to learn the basics of owning a computer."
You come into my department and say that, I will EAT YOUR LUNCH, BITCH! You'll walk out spending so much more than you wanted to that you won't be able to go to McDonald's for a month, and we'll be laughing and high-five-ing for an hour after you leave.

* "I can spend $XXX on a computer."
When you say that, we always take you to a computer that is well under your budget. That way, we can sell you a computer that will leave you plenty of money to buy the Extended Warranty...and those over-priced cables...and that over-priced carrying case...and that expensive software...and all that other stuff that has such a great margin on it.

* "No up-sells, please."
FUCK...YOU, asshole, you're gonna hear 'em anyway because my job depends on 'em. Why the hell do you think they make us do that, Braniac? They're the stuff that has good margin. It's like, "Would you like to Super-Size that?" You don't want it? Fine, just say so, but you ARE gonna hear 'em.

* (Talking non-stop)
If you want me to answer a question, then ask it and SHUT THE FUCK UP so I can answer it. I don't want to hear your family history, don't give a shit about how smart your son is with computers, couldn't care less about anything that doesn't have to do with buying a new computer. I've learned to sleep standing up and with my eyes open by having to listen to people talk (some without breathing) for hours.

* (Not talking, or talking in a whisper)
How the fuck do you expect me to help you if I can't hear what you're saying. It's a noisy store. You've GOT to communicate or I'm just going to let you browse.

* "Ya'll fucked up my last computer so bad when I brought it in for service, that I swore I'd never be back. I wrote Corporate about how bad ya'll are. I blogged about how ya'll suck so bad. I hate this place, but I need a new computer."
What you've just told me is, "I'm a glutton for punishment." Muthafucka, you're gonna spend a LOT of money with me to make up for all that bitching. Muhahahah!

* "I need an antenna for my laptop so I can pull in my neighbor's wireless Internet better."
That's theft, you MORON. We're NOT going to tell you how to do that. Go fuck yourself you cheap bastard.


Not that we give a shit what the balance on your credit card is, but if you want to be a smart computer shopper, you better realize that YOU REALLY DO NEED...

* An external hard drive.
Learn how to back up your files. Don't lose all your irreplaceable pictures and files if your drive crashes, and don't pay anybody to transfer your files from old computer to new. Unless you like just anybody having access to your personal pictures and files, don't use any of those online backup services, do it yourself.

* Anti-virus.
Learn how to use it. The free stuff works just as good as the pay stuff. Microsoft Security Essentials, which is free, has proved to be an excellent anti-virus application. For spyware and the like, use the free edition of Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware.

* Extended Warranty.
43% of all laptops fail within the first 3 to 4 years.
Unless you love spending large amounts of money that you shouldn't have to, you need an Extended Warranty. You've got insurance on your car, house, life, correct? Then why not insure the item that you are going to entrust with your most personal and private information, the tool you use to get your work done, the item that you will soon realize that you can not do without. Just realize that you can find several 3rd parties that provide this service...Insurance companies, websites, your homeowners insurance might cover it. Shop around.
I get a boner when someone comes in and tells me, "The motherboard crashed on my laptop, and it's going to be almost $400 to fix it, so I thought I would just get a new computer." YOU ARE A LOCK FOR THE EXTENDED WARRANTY!! "Did you have our Extended Warranty?" "You DIDN'T?" "Oh my goodness, we would have fixed it or replaced it if you had."

* Computer Setup
We really don't give a shit if you don't want us to set up the computer for you, but don't insult us by saying that your grandson can do anything we can do to set it up. He can't. We use proprietary tools that he doesn't have access to and they do things in a heartbeat that would take him all day. Any moron can answer the questions about "What language do you want to use?", "What Time Zone are you in?", etc. It takes a technician to know what to do when the computer blue screens or won't start, or gives some cryptic error when booting. You wanna drive all the way back to the store if that happens, cool, set it up yourself.

* Microsoft Office
If you're a student, you need Microsoft Office. It contains the most popular word processor in the world, and you will need PowerPoint at some time. Stop bitching about cost, get it with your computer and be done with it. You may be able to use one copy on your desktop and the same copy on your laptop legally. Check the EULA.

* A Guru.
If you're really the idiot you say you are, you need somebody to call on when you're having trouble. DON'T CALL YOUR SALESPERSON!!! I repeat...DON'T CALL YOUR SALESPERSON. You might have left the store thinking I'm your friend, but I assure you, I'm not. You're just another customer. I'm in the business of SELLING computers, not supporting them. I don't have time to explain to you how to operate the damn thing. Go get a fucking book!
When you do find someone gullible enough to be your Guru, treat them with respect. Buy them a beer every now and then for no reason, and don't be calling at 2 am wanting to know what Google is. And speaking of Google, learn how to use it.
More notes on Gurus:
Is there anyone you know who is using your Guru? Is this guy really as smart as he says he is? Is he going to tell you that your computer needs a new motherboard when all it needs is a new, $5.00 CMOS Battery?
When is your Guru going to be available to you to fix your computer? Does he/she travel frequently or work a demanding, stressful job? Sure as you need him, he'll be out of town or on deadline at work.
What, if anything, will your Guru be charging you to work on your computer? By the hour or by the job? Try to find someone who will work by the job. Anything over $25/hour for computer repair should be cause for pause. By the way, if he tells you he'll fix your computer for free, that either means he wants to get "up close and personal" with your teenage daughter, or, he'll work on it when he damn well feels like it.
Where is your Guru going to get any parts that your computer might need? Will he be marking up the price of those parts? If so, then how much? Get your old parts back. Learn how to search for parts like he does, price them yourself and question him about why he recommends the more expensive part. There's a really old scam in the computer repair business called "part swapping". They tell you your video card needs to be replaced...you don't have a clue, so you say OK and pay. They put in an old card they had laying around and keep your nice, new card for their computer or the next moron who wants their computer fixed.

Reasons NOT to buy a new computer...

* My current computer is running slow. - That's fixable, do it yourself or call your Guru.
* I think I have a virus. - Fixable, do it yourself or call your Guru.
* The hard drive crashed. - Fixable, call your Guru to replace it and then restore your OS and files from your backup. You do have a backup, right?
* The hard drive is full. - Fixable. Get your Guru to install an additional drive, or get an external.
* My current computer is old. - This is borderline...possibly a reasonable reason to buy a new computer. You must ask, "What is the old computer not doing that I need a new computer to do?" If the answer does not fall in the "Fixable" category, AND you can justify the amount of money you currently have invested in the old computer plus the cost of a new computer, then it's reasonable to buy a new computer.

If you DO buy a new computer...


Do the following within 24 hours. Some stores have rules about how long you can keep a computer and still return it.

* Test EVERY input port and output port to make sure they work.

* Play AND burn a CD and a DVD to make sure the drive works.

* Check the monitor or display VERY CAREFULLY for dead pixels.

* De-fragment the hard drive. This won't really be necessary, but it will stress the hard drive, processor and ram enough that you will know if it's in good shape.

* Create a System Repair Disk. You never know when you might need one.

* When you have the computer set up just the way you want it, with all your software installed, create an image of the C: drive on your backup drive. That way you can restore your drive to "just right" status, rather than "factory" status.

There you have it...Lo-fat's guide to Smart Computer Shopping.

My patience is not compatible

People kill me with the words they use when speaking to a computer salesperson. Words like gigas, tetrabyte, refering to the computer as a modem, and the worst of all compatible. Now someone might be sitting here saying, "Now Akmed, compatible is a perfectly fine word to use when refering to computers. Such as, will my software be compatible with this? Is my printer compatible with this?". Oh I know, those are great questions. I'm talking about when a person is looking at a computer and asks me to show them a computer that is compatible to the one they are looking at. The first few times it happened it was "cute" but, you would not believe how many times this happens in a single day. It has gotten to the point that it bugs me so bad that when a customer asks me to show them a computer that is campatible to the one they are looking I always say to them "I don't know what you mean" then they tell me they want to look at one similar and I respond with "OH! You mean COMPARABLE!" Then the customer will get irritated with me and say "yea that's what I meant"...oh I'm sorry you dumbass for being oblivious to what you are talking about because of your atrocious use of the english language. Don't get mad at me for being intelligent and not understand what you're saying, get mad at your 3rd grade english teacher. They are the one that's the jackass for not teaching you how to speak correctly. You do not have to know a thing about computers to know how to use the word compatible correctly. And the salesman is the one that doesn't know anything about computers? Maybe if you knew what the crap you were talking about and made logical sense we would be able to help you. "I need a USB". Ok...continue..."I NEED A USB!". Ok, you yelling at me isn't going to change the fact that you are an idiot. Maybe next time you ask me if windows comes on the computer, when you are actually refering to microsoft office, I will just tell you yes instead of compensating for your stupidity.