Want to walk out of the store feeling really good about your computer purchase? (Translation - want me to respect you and not have any reason to screw you over?)
Here's my guide...
When you come into the store...
* Turn off your damn phone!
This is the NUMBER ONE THING that pisses me off. Drive thru's, banks, and pharmacies won't serve you if you're on the phone, but I have to. I'll wait about 30 seconds for you to finish that call, then I'm gonna smile, wave and move on to the next customer who doesn't have a phone growing out of their ear.
If you walk in with your phone to your ear, don't expect us to come running wanting to help you. We wouldn't want to be bothered when we're on the phone, so we assume you don't either. Don't want to be bothered by a salesperson? Just keep talking on that phone.
* Be polite.
You don't have to kiss my ass, but wait until you're in a good mood to come in. Makes it easier for both of us, and I'm gonna find a way to fuck you if you're being an asshole.
* Don't stink!
We realize that some people have to come in after work...but...if you work picking up road kill, and it's July...take a shower and change clothes before you come in. If you stink, I'm gonna hand you a bar of soap and instruct you to get the hell out of my store.
On the other hand, don't drown yourself in cologne or perfume, it makes us gag.
* Be as brief as possible when stating your needs, give me the whole story up front.
I don't want to waste 15 minutes with your dumb ass just to have you tell me, "Oh yeah, I want to play World of Warcraft, too." which means we may have to shift gears to another class of (more expensive) computers.
* If you have specific games you want to play, know the system requirements!
We don't stock every fucking game in the universe, and I shouldn't have to waste my time looking up your stupid game just to find out that damn near any computer will play it just fine.
* Do some research first.
We love informed shoppers. They make the job so much easier. Think about it..."Hi, I want to look at the BugZapper 69 laptop, please." OR "I need a computer and I have no idea what I'm looking for." Which customer would you prefer to handle? Which customer has a clue? Which one is going to walk out with the laptop that has the best margin, and lots of high-margin accessories that he might not need?
* Be open minded.
Don't tell us that we don't know what we're talking about, your son-in-law (who probably hates you) told you that you could run 'World of Warcraft' with the graphics turned all the way up on that piece-of-shit Bozo 120 laptop that sells for $299, has a Celeron processor, 2 G of ram and nothing-special graphics. It won't. We know how to pick a computer for gaming. Listen to us, there's more than 25 years of computer experience in our department, AND we get training on this shit.
* Don't shop by color!
I could sell pink computers all day long, no matter what the hardware inside. If I see a girl under 16 coming this way with Mom, I just head straight for the piece-of-shit pink computer and wait for them. HEY, MORON...the hardware matters!
* Husbands and wives, agree beforehand who's going to make the final decision.
I've wasted enough time listening to couples say, "What do you think?" "I don't care, whatever you want."
Make your fucking mind up, will ya? You wanna call me when you two idiots have decided?
* Learn to read.
I'm not going to go down the row, reading the price and specs to you on every computer in the store. Seriously, if you're blind, say so, then I'll read to you. Otherwise, get a fucking education!
* Get a handle on your kids.
I can look at a family and decide if I want to wait on them or not. The ones with the quiet kids, who are following Mom and Dad, they're cool, I'll wait on them.
If you're coming in with your 12 y/o daughter who has her tongue pierced (you do know why they do that, don't you?), and your 15 y/o boy who has $1000 worth of tattoos and a dozen piercings in his face, then I'm heading the other way, and I'm giving the high sign to the other staff so they don't have to wait on you either.
Things NOT to say...
* "I'm computer illiterate."
Oh My God...how many times have I heard that! Do you realize that you are telling me, "I'm an idiot, I'll believe anything you tell me about computers because I don't have the initiative to learn the basics of owning a computer."
You come into my department and say that, I will EAT YOUR LUNCH, BITCH! You'll walk out spending so much more than you wanted to that you won't be able to go to McDonald's for a month, and we'll be laughing and high-five-ing for an hour after you leave.
* "I can spend $XXX on a computer."
When you say that, we always take you to a computer that is well under your budget. That way, we can sell you a computer that will leave you plenty of money to buy the Extended Warranty...and those over-priced cables...and that over-priced carrying case...and that expensive software...and all that other stuff that has such a great margin on it.
* "No up-sells, please."
FUCK...YOU, asshole, you're gonna hear 'em anyway because my job depends on 'em. Why the hell do you think they make us do that, Braniac? They're the stuff that has good margin. It's like, "Would you like to Super-Size that?" You don't want it? Fine, just say so, but you ARE gonna hear 'em.
* (Talking non-stop)
If you want me to answer a question, then ask it and SHUT THE FUCK UP so I can answer it. I don't want to hear your family history, don't give a shit about how smart your son is with computers, couldn't care less about anything that doesn't have to do with buying a new computer. I've learned to sleep standing up and with my eyes open by having to listen to people talk (some without breathing) for hours.
* (Not talking, or talking in a whisper)
How the fuck do you expect me to help you if I can't hear what you're saying. It's a noisy store. You've GOT to communicate or I'm just going to let you browse.
* "Ya'll fucked up my last computer so bad when I brought it in for service, that I swore I'd never be back. I wrote Corporate about how bad ya'll are. I blogged about how ya'll suck so bad. I hate this place, but I need a new computer."
What you've just told me is, "I'm a glutton for punishment." Muthafucka, you're gonna spend a LOT of money with me to make up for all that bitching. Muhahahah!
* "I need an antenna for my laptop so I can pull in my neighbor's wireless Internet better."
That's theft, you MORON. We're NOT going to tell you how to do that. Go fuck yourself you cheap bastard.
Not that we give a shit what the balance on your credit card is, but if you want to be a smart computer shopper, you better realize that YOU REALLY DO NEED...
* An external hard drive.
Learn how to back up your files. Don't lose all your irreplaceable pictures and files if your drive crashes, and don't pay anybody to transfer your files from old computer to new. Unless you like just anybody having access to your personal pictures and files, don't use any of those online backup services, do it yourself.
* Anti-virus.
Learn how to use it. The free stuff works just as good as the pay stuff. Microsoft Security Essentials, which is free, has proved to be an excellent anti-virus application. For spyware and the like, use the free edition of Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware.
* Extended Warranty.
43% of all laptops fail within the first 3 to 4 years.
Unless you love spending large amounts of money that you shouldn't have to, you need an Extended Warranty. You've got insurance on your car, house, life, correct? Then why not insure the item that you are going to entrust with your most personal and private information, the tool you use to get your work done, the item that you will soon realize that you can not do without. Just realize that you can find several 3rd parties that provide this service...Insurance companies, websites, your homeowners insurance might cover it. Shop around.
I get a boner when someone comes in and tells me, "The motherboard crashed on my laptop, and it's going to be almost $400 to fix it, so I thought I would just get a new computer." YOU ARE A LOCK FOR THE EXTENDED WARRANTY!! "Did you have our Extended Warranty?" "You DIDN'T?" "Oh my goodness, we would have fixed it or replaced it if you had."
* Computer Setup
We really don't give a shit if you don't want us to set up the computer for you, but don't insult us by saying that your grandson can do anything we can do to set it up. He can't. We use proprietary tools that he doesn't have access to and they do things in a heartbeat that would take him all day. Any moron can answer the questions about "What language do you want to use?", "What Time Zone are you in?", etc. It takes a technician to know what to do when the computer blue screens or won't start, or gives some cryptic error when booting. You wanna drive all the way back to the store if that happens, cool, set it up yourself.
* Microsoft Office
If you're a student, you need Microsoft Office. It contains the most popular word processor in the world, and you will need PowerPoint at some time. Stop bitching about cost, get it with your computer and be done with it. You may be able to use one copy on your desktop and the same copy on your laptop legally. Check the EULA.
* A Guru.
If you're really the idiot you say you are, you need somebody to call on when you're having trouble. DON'T CALL YOUR SALESPERSON!!! I repeat...DON'T CALL YOUR SALESPERSON. You might have left the store thinking I'm your friend, but I assure you, I'm not. You're just another customer. I'm in the business of SELLING computers, not supporting them. I don't have time to explain to you how to operate the damn thing. Go get a fucking book!
When you do find someone gullible enough to be your Guru, treat them with respect. Buy them a beer every now and then for no reason, and don't be calling at 2 am wanting to know what Google is. And speaking of Google, learn how to use it.
More notes on Gurus:
Is there anyone you know who is using your Guru? Is this guy really as smart as he says he is? Is he going to tell you that your computer needs a new motherboard when all it needs is a new, $5.00 CMOS Battery?
When is your Guru going to be available to you to fix your computer? Does he/she travel frequently or work a demanding, stressful job? Sure as you need him, he'll be out of town or on deadline at work.
What, if anything, will your Guru be charging you to work on your computer? By the hour or by the job? Try to find someone who will work by the job. Anything over $25/hour for computer repair should be cause for pause. By the way, if he tells you he'll fix your computer for free, that either means he wants to get "up close and personal" with your teenage daughter, or, he'll work on it when he damn well feels like it.
Where is your Guru going to get any parts that your computer might need? Will he be marking up the price of those parts? If so, then how much? Get your old parts back. Learn how to search for parts like he does, price them yourself and question him about why he recommends the more expensive part. There's a really old scam in the computer repair business called "part swapping". They tell you your video card needs to be replaced...you don't have a clue, so you say OK and pay. They put in an old card they had laying around and keep your nice, new card for their computer or the next moron who wants their computer fixed.
Reasons NOT to buy a new computer...
* My current computer is running slow. - That's fixable, do it yourself or call your Guru.
* I think I have a virus. - Fixable, do it yourself or call your Guru.
* The hard drive crashed. - Fixable, call your Guru to replace it and then restore your OS and files from your backup. You do have a backup, right?
* The hard drive is full. - Fixable. Get your Guru to install an additional drive, or get an external.
* My current computer is old. - This is borderline...possibly a reasonable reason to buy a new computer. You must ask, "What is the old computer not doing that I need a new computer to do?" If the answer does not fall in the "Fixable" category, AND you can justify the amount of money you currently have invested in the old computer plus the cost of a new computer, then it's reasonable to buy a new computer.
If you DO buy a new computer...
Do the following within 24 hours. Some stores have rules about how long you can keep a computer and still return it.
* Test EVERY input port and output port to make sure they work.
* Play AND burn a CD and a DVD to make sure the drive works.
* Check the monitor or display VERY CAREFULLY for dead pixels.
* De-fragment the hard drive. This won't really be necessary, but it will stress the hard drive, processor and ram enough that you will know if it's in good shape.
* Create a System Repair Disk. You never know when you might need one.
* When you have the computer set up just the way you want it, with all your software installed, create an image of the C: drive on your backup drive. That way you can restore your drive to "just right" status, rather than "factory" status.
There you have it...Lo-fat's guide to Smart Computer Shopping.
