The one with the macro lens.

This is my All-Time, Number One Customer Comment!

Guy and his wife come in, looking for a laptop.

MayIHelpooo?

I dunno, I need a laptop.

We have lots, any special needs or features?

Yeah, I need one with a webcam, I'm gonna auction my genitals on eBay.

*You can't make this shit up if you try!*

I don't wanna know my password.

This was several months ago, but it's such a good one...

This guy comes into the dept. wearing a flannel shirt, dress pants, sneakers, suspenders, greasy hair, a week's growth of beard, and glasses with an elastic band so he won't lose them. My sensors are on high alert just from seeing him.

MyIHelpooo?

I'm looking for some sort of software that can block certain types of websites.

*Ok, maybe this won't be so bad, I'll sell him some sort of "Internet Security" stuff with a firewall, or educate him on how to use Parental Controls.*

Sure, we have lots of software that can do that, it's right over here.

*Looking at features of a particular title* Can I change the settings after I've saved them?

Yes, you would just have to save them again. *Where's this going?*

Ummm, that's no good. I want something that once it's set, no one can change it.

*Still puzzled.* Okay, there's Parental Controls. The user would have to have an Administrator's password to change the settings on that. *I explain how it works and what it can block.*

That may work, but there's still the matter of the password. I'm the Administrator on the computer, and I'm the person I want to block from certain websites. *Looks down, says sheepishly* I have a problem with porn.

*Note to self, DO NOT SHAKE HANDS, WASH HANDS IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE LEAVES.*

Hmmmm...I see. Is there a friend or relative that you would trust to set the password? That way you wouldn't know what it was? Our techs could also do that for you, but they would charge for it.

No, I wouldn't want to tell them. I'd be too embarrassed.

*Ok, you're too embarrassed to confess your problem to a friend or relative, so you've come into my dept. to confess it to me, a total stranger???*

*I think for a few seconds...* Sir, unless you can figure out how to get a password set that you don't know, my best advice to you is to stop using the Internet.

(sigh) Ok, thanks. *Leaves*

I head for the washroom with my hands in the air, like a surgeon who has just scrubbed up.

DON'T ANYONE TOUCH ME UNTIL I WASH...SEVERAL TIMES!!!

Why we won't do telephone support

Rumor has it that years ago, one of the techs in a local store took a call from a customer who wanted to know how to install some ram in his computer. The tech walked him through it, but forgot one important detail..."Please make sure your computer is off and the power cord is unplugged from the wall."

The guy was working with the computer on...shocked himself, fried his mobo.

This wasn't the usual idiot who calls support, though. This guy was recording the call!

CHA-CHING!!! LAWSUIT!

After that, corporate decreed "No more telephone support at stores".

This is actually a really good thing for us in the computer department.

We now have a canned response we can use when people call wanting us to fix their bullshit problem over the phone...

"I'm sorry, we are not permitted to do telephone support. You can call 800-PAY-ALOT and they will help you, or you can bring your computer in to the store and see a tech."

Once again, here are the reasons we won't do telephone support:

1. You might screw up what we tell you and fry your computer = LAWSUIT
2. What you *think* is wrong, might not *really* be what is wrong = LAWSUIT
3. We have a whole building full of techs who do telephone support for a living, and charge for it = DON'T GIVE AWAY THINGS THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CHARGE FOR

Don't...don't...don't you worry about it.

MayIHelpoo?
I want an external hard drive.
Right here...what capacity?
BIG.
OK, how about 2 terabytes?
Is it SATA or PATA?
*What the fuck does it matter, you goddamn IDIOT, it's EXTERNAL!* Ummm..this is an external drive, it uses USB.
I lost 450 Mb of very important data to a Seagate drive. I'll never have another Seagate.
*I hope you loose ALL your fucking data FOREVER!!!* OK, what does that have to do with SATA or PATA?
Don't...don't...don't you worry about it. Don't worry about it.
........OK, I won't.
*I turn and walk off.*

The only thing I can think of is that he thought that SATA meant SEAGATE-ATA.

What part of "Sales" do you not understand?

MayIhelpooo?
I bought a computer here yesterday, and got charged for (item), but when I got home it wasn't in the bag.
*Normally, any sane person would know that in a BigBox store, you have to go to Customer Service to get things like this cleared up. Apparently not this dimwit. And good luck proving to CSR that you don't have that item.*
I'm sorry if there was a mistake, you will need to speak to Customer Service to resolve that.
*Rolls eyes*
Can't you do it?
No Sir, I can't. My cash register account doesn't allow me to do returns or refunds, nor do I have the proper training on how to handle an issue like this. You will have to see someone at Customer Service, they can help you.
*Rolls eyes again*
Ok, I have another problem. When I went to install this software you gave me, it said that the version on the computer is newer than the version I was trying to install. Wuz-up wid dat?
Technical issues with your computer are an issue for our computer repair department. This is the Computer Sales Department, we don't do support.
Turns and leaves in a huff, wagging head back and forth like it's the most irritating thing in the world for him to have to go to the proper people to get his little problems fixed.
*Ok, that was a little up-itty, but I'm sick and tired of every dick-head in this part of the state coming in here, walking past the desk where the computer repair guys hang out, and asking us to fix their lame-ass computers! If I have to solve meat-head problems all day, I'll never hit my quotas, and my sup will be in my face about it.*

Later that same day...

Phone rings...
Computers, mayIhelpooo?
Yes, I've got my husband, who's out of the country, on the computer. We're trying to type back and forth to each other. I can see him, and he can see me, but we can't see what the other is typing. What could be wrong?
*We're not allowed to do support on the phone for legal reasons.*
Ma'm you've reached the Computer Sales dept. We don't do support. You could call 800-386-2277 (800-DUMB-ASS), or 800-382-5968 (800-FUCK-YOU) for support.
But I don't want to pay someone to help me, can't you just help me out?
No ma'm. Not only do I not know how to fix that problem, we have customers in the department wanting to buy computers. That is our primary purpose here, to SELL computers.
*click*

*Would you call your car salesman and ask him to walk you through changing the struts on your car? Not only are they not trained on how to do that, they have a repair department at the dealership that generates income for the business by doing those things! Get a fucking BRAIN, people!*

Lo-fat's Application for Computer Ownership

This is going to make sales of Acme Idiot/Asshole Spray Repellent plummet, but it would sure make my life easier!
Think about it, wouldn't it be wonderful if people had to qualify to own a computer?  We'd never hear the expression, "I'm computer illiterate." again!!!  Oh, the joy of no stress computer sales!!

I propose that any person contemplating the purchase of a computer must demonstrate that they can do everything here before they can purchase a computer.

Here it is...



APPLICATION FOR COMPUTER OWNERSHIP

I can explain the basic definitions of "Operating System", "Processor", "RAM", and "Hard Drive".
I know the difference between a laptop and a desktop.
If I currently own a computer, I know which version of Windows I own.
I am not scared to go from Windows XP to Windows 7.
I know the difference between MS Windows and MS Office.
I know what Google is and can formulate a basic search.
I know that I DON'T NEED a Guru to answer my questions, I can Google it myself.
I know that I must search Google and not find the answer before I post a question to a Forum.
I can accomplish a simple software installation successfully.
I know how to use "Help".
I know what "Anti-Virus" is and how to use it.
I can set up my own email account on G-mail.
I know that I will need to purchase Internet service in order to access the Internet.
I know that memory is not storage space.
I know that the battery and power adapter come with every laptop.
I know the difference between the computer and the monitor and that each one can be purchased separately.
I can locate and press the Power button.
I do not refer to the computer tower as a "modem" or a "processor".
I know that an iPad is not meant to replace a computer.
I realize that an iPad does not have the ability to bring the dead to life, enable me to walk on water, make me invincible or in any way make me like Jesus.
I know what a "browser" is, and how to use it.
I can name 2 alternatives to Internet Explorer.
I know that I need to back up my files and how to do it.
I know what a network is.
I know that the Internet is more than just Facebook and YouTube.
If I have an old printer, I know whether it uses a USB or Parallel cable.  
I know the difference between PS/2 and USB keyboards and mice.

I know how to use the right mouse button.

I know how to Cut, Copy and Paste, and Drag and Drop.

I understand the difference between Copy and Move. 

I know that I don't have to use the same brand monitor or printer with my new computer.

I know that Apple computers don't use Windows by default, but that they can.
I know where the closest book store is that has a good computer section.
I know how to properly shut down a computer.
and last but not least...
I know that Lo-fat and Akmed are the 2 greatest computer salespersons on Earth, and if I will just listen to them, then I will make a great choice for my new computer!!