Discount!

(Some people want a discount just for the sake of getting a discount. They could afford the product at list price, they just want to brag to their friends that they "Never pay list, always get a discount."

Well, we don't negotiate our prices...ever...for anybody...for any reason...no matter what.)

"May I help you?"
"I want this computer, but the price is too high."
"OK, I have another brand here that is a little less expensive, what about this one?"
"Nope, I want this one. Do you give a Military discount?"
"Thanks for serving...sorry, we don't give a Military discount."
"What about a Student discount?"
"No, sorry."
"Is there a discount for paying cash?"
"No."
"Can I get it cheaper if I get your store credit card?"
"No."
"Is it going on sale any time soon?"
"We never know in advance about sale prices."
"OK, look...I'm not paying full price; you're overcharging for that computer. Is there any way I can get a discount?"
*If you were a pretty woman we might work something out, but you're an ugly old man* "Sorry sir, we don't negotiate prices and I don't have the authority to reduce the price on anything." *I said that on purpose, read on*
"Ah ha! You can't reduce the price, can your manager reduce the price?"
"Yes, sir. Would you like me to ask my manager to discount this computer for you?"
"Yes!"
"OK, I'll have to find him, it may take a few minutes. Please be patient."
"OK."
*I make my way to the break room, get a candy bar from the vending machine, and sit down. A minute or two later, my supervisor walks in.* "Hey Lo-fat, aren't you supposed to be on the floor right now?" "Sure am, boss." "Then what are you doing in here?" "Getting a discount for a customer." "Hahahaha, OK, buddy. No prob-lem-o."
*I finish my candy bar, walk back to the customer with a big smile on my face and give them the thumbs-up.*
"Sorry to keep you waiting, but I got you a nice discount. My manager said if you would buy this printer along with your computer he would authorize a $40 discount on the total price! That's a great deal, eh?"
"Hmmmm...I don't need a printer, but that's a nice discount...OK, let's do it!"
"Cool, right this way..."
*You stupid IDIOT! Your addiction to discounts cost you full price on the computer, and you paid us even more for a piece of shit printer that ALWAYS gets a $40 discount when purchased with a computer! Wait till you need ink for that piece of shit. The refills are $18 each, and there's 4 of 'em in there!!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!*

ON | OFF

(Phone rings) "Computers, may I help you?"

"Hi, I bought a desktop computer from you last week, remember?"

*WHAT? I didn't even say my name!* "Ummm...sorry, I don't recognize the voice."

"OK, anyway...I've got this thing put together and I can't figure out how to turn it on."

"Oh! Now I remember...you're the guy who said he builds computers and works on them all the time."

"Right, right!"

"And you're having trouble turning your computer on?" *You MORON!*

"Right, where's the switch?"

*Patience, pretend he's a child* "Look on the front of the computer, near the top. There's the Power logo, the circle with a bar coming out the top. See it?"

"No...oh wait, near the TOP, you said."

*Oh My God! He thinks the power switch might be near the BOTTOM of the tower!*

"Yes, near the top."

"OK!!! Found it. What now?"

*Jesus! You need instruction from this point?*

"That's the power switch. Press and release it once, and the computer should start up. The switch should light up."

"OK, ...YES, it's working!" "One more question."

"OK..."

"I need to download some software. How do I open the CD drive?"

*Download...Oh, he means 'install' some software. I guess it stands to reason if he couldn't figure out how to turn on the computer, then he won't know how to open the DVD drive. Sigh....*

"Look about 2 to 3 inches below the power switch, you should see the "Eject" logo, a little house with a line underneath it. Press the button below that."

*Remember now, this is the guy who told me he builds and works on computers all the time!!*

*He hunts around for a few seconds and finally finds it.*
"Ok, I found it. Hey, do you think I should use some kind of anti-virus?"
(...pause...)

"Did you find it...sir...are you there?"

"Yes, I'm here, can you hear me?"

"Sir, are you still there?"

"YES, I'M HERE!!"

"Hey, Akmed, this phone is acting up again, I just got disconnected."

I hang up. ;-)

Ok this was ridiculous...

Customer comes into the department that I work in and browses through our selection of laptops. He finally sets his sights on one computer and calls me over and asks the notorious question "How much is this?". That computer is $300 (I say as I point to the large price tag). He says, "Is it a good one?". I respond by saying "You get what you pay for in computers for the most part". And then the most idiotic question you could ever ask about a computer comes "what all can I do with it?"... I stare at him dumbfounded and say "Sir...there is no way that I can tell you what all you can do with that computer". He responds by saying "well fine I'm going to go somewhere else where they can tell me what I can do with it". I, in every bit of politeness that I have, say "If you find someone that can tell you what all you can do with it, be sure to let us know!"

...Oh humor me more, consumers that "know more than us"

FREE INTERNET!!

Ok this was ridiculous...

I was at work one day doing something on the computer that is for the employees to use. The phone rings and I answer "How may I help you!?". The person on the other line tells me that she was in the store the day before and purchased "the laptop that was on sale" ( a.k.a the pieces of shit). She gives me a long explanation of some garbage that causes me to have a puzzled look on my face. She finally tells me that when she bought the computer that we told her it could pick up wireless internet but she was at home and could not get it to connect to the internet. I ask her if she has internet service and she rudely says to me "NO I DON'T HAVE INTERNET SERVICE BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME THIS PICKED UP WIRELESS INTERNET!!!". I sit there for a few seconds in disbelief and calmly say to her "Ma'am internet is not free. You have to subscribe to internet service". She then tells me that she was just going to bring it back because the one that they had at X-mart came with internet. I told her I don't blame her, I would go get that one too if it came with internet.

...Oh humor me more consumers that "know more than us"

The Double-D Backspace

Years ago, I was self-employed, doing outside tech support.  I got a call from a lady at a local business that I couldn't resolve on the phone, so I went to visit.

She stated that her job is to type up the minutes of weekly department meetings, and she was having problems with text disappearing at random times.

I asked her to try and reproduce the conditions where the text disappeared, but everything worked just fine.

I told her to just continue like I wasn't there, and I would watch to see if I could pick up anything.

She typed away for about 15 minutes before her phone rang.

The phone was located far enough away that she had to reach over the keyboard and stretch to answer it.

This lady had very large breasts, I mean DD size.  When she reached for the phone, her right breast mashed down on the backspace key and started erasing her text.

I blushed when I explained the problem to her, but we had a laugh, and reorganized her desk and phone.  No more disappearing text!

I want to connect my computer to my TV

"May I help you?"
"I want to connect my computer to my TV."
*I say to myself, "Oh crap, here we go again.* "OK, what kind of video output does your computer have?"
"I don't know."
*You IDIOT...did you not realize that you have to connect the output of the computer to the input of the TV?* "OK, does your computer have this port on it?" (I point to the VGA out on a nearby laptop.)
"I didn't get my computer here."
*You FUCKING IDIOT!* "It doesn't matter where you got your computer; does it have this port on it?"
"I don't know."
*Maybe we can look this idiot's computer up on the Internet.* "OK, do you know what make and model your computer is?"
"Yes, it's a Dell."
"OK, what model Dell?"
"I don't know."
*I'm considering suicide at this point.* "Well, there's not much I can do to help you if we can't figure out what kind of video output the computer has. You don't happen to have it with you do you?"
"Yes, it's in the car."
*I really need to start smoking again, this shit is driving me crazy!* "Well, if I could look at it, I can tell you what kind of video out it has."
"OK, I'll go get it."
Idiot returns with computer...
"OK, you have VGA out only. Does your TV have this same kind of port?" *I have a sinking feeling about what the answer is going to be.*
"I don't know." *Bingo! I was right!*
"Do you know what make and model TV you have?" *Again, I know what the answer is going to be.*
"Yes, it's an O.P.S." (O.P.S...??? Old Piece of Shit)
"OK, what model O.P.S.?"
"I don't know."
*Take a deep breath, go to your happy place.* "Let's go look at some TVs, maybe you'll see one like yours."
"I've already looked at your TVs, you don't have any like mine."
"None at all?"
"No, yours are all flat and skinny. *uh-oh, here it comes* Mine is in a fine oak cabinet, and has a record player and a radio in it also." (tube type TV)
"Uh...how old is your TV?"
"It's been working perfectly for 15 years!"
"Well, I'm sorry but TVs that old aren't going to have any video input on them. You won't be able to connect your computer to the TV."
"You don't know what you're talking about. I saw a cable on E-bay that the seller said would work just fine."
"OK, good luck with that." *Pardon me while I blow my brains out!*

Do you still have your receipt?

(Phone rings)
"Computers, may I help you?"
"I hope so, my monitor has stopped working."
OK, is it plugged into the wall?"
"Yes, it is."
"Is it connected to the computer?"
"Yes, it was working just a little while ago."
"OK, when it stopped working did anything special happen?"
"Ummm, yes, the lights went off."
"....OK...the lights went off and your monitor quit working?"
"Right, what could be wrong?"
"Do you still have the receipt from the store where you bought your computer?"
"Yes, I do.  Do you think there's something wrong with my computer?"
"No, there's nothing wrong with your computer."
"Well, what should I do?"
"I want you to box up that computer and take it back to the store where you bought it."
"Uh-huh, what should I tell them?"
"Nothing, just get your money back, because you're too damn stupid to own a computer!!"

"I can get that cheaper at X-Mart"

Then WHY THE HELL are you here instead of being at X-Mart!

How much is this one?

We have price tags on ALL our display computers.
It NEVER FAILS...the customer will ask, "How much is this one?

I grit my teeth and point to the price tag, and read it aloud to them.

THEN...they ALWAYS ask..."How much is that with tax?"

Our tax is 10%..."Can you not calculate "Price + 10%" in your head"?