Word to the Wise...

If you are gay, and your screensaver is pictures of your dick "standing at attention", and your boyfriend's junk, and pictures of someone's mouth open with some white, gooey liquid inside, and pictures of your ass in a jock-strap, and you have a problem with your computer, and you return it to us....

YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH FUN WE'RE GONNA HAVE LAUGHING AT YOU FOR BEING SUCH A RETARD FOR NOT GETTING SOMEONE TO DELETE YOUR PRIVATE DATA BEFORE YOU BROUGHT IT IN!!!

The "Blind-est" customer I've ever had!

I'm standing in front of the Apple table, when a customer walks up.

Hi, mayIhelpoo?

Do ya'll have Apple computers?

I look for her Red and White cane...

Yes, M'am, right here.

She looks at the laptops and says...

Do you have Apple laptops?

I look for her seeing-eye dog...

Yes, M'am, right there.

The other employees standing nearby roll their eyes...

If this woman wasn't blind, she was doing the best impersonation of a blind woman I've ever seen!

Double-sided CD

Hey, Can you help me get a CD out of my car stereo?

Ummm...sure...what happened?

Well, I wanted to be able to play one CD, then eject it, turn it over, and play another, so I glued 2 CD's together. Now I can't get them/it out of my stereo.

*/YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY IDEA HOW YOUR CAR STEREO WORKS??? WAIT...OF COURSE YOU DON'T, YOU'RE A GODDAMNED IDIOT...A FUCKING CRACKHEAD!!!!/*

Ok, we'll schedule you an appointment for the installer to get that out for you. Thanks for coming in today. :)

I am Vindicated!

It's finally happened. A customer admitted outright what I have known for years.

"MayIHelPoo?"

"I think it's unlikely."

??? "Oh, how's that?"

"I bought a computer in here a few days ago. I've never had a computer before, and I don't have anyone to help me learn how to use it.

I can't understand how it works, I'll never figure it out."

Now this woman was in her late 60's, maybe early 70's. That's VERY late in life to be learning something high-tech.

However, I've had dozens of elderly customers who bought their first computer and did just fine with it.

"It's never too late to learn, m'am. There's a bookstore across the street, I know someone who is available to give lessons...your options are many and varied."

"Books and lessons would be even more expense..."

And then she said it, the words I've been waiting to hear for almost 20 years!!!

"I'm just too stupid to own a computer."

Thank you for your honesty, m'am. You are a much better person than the thousands of fools I've had to deal with who were too proud to admit that they had no business owning anything more technical than a rock.

Whaaat...?

I was complaining about how slow our cash register computers are to my customer, who replied, "It's windy outside."

I never knew that the wind had anything to do with that!

You wanna do WHAT?!?

Alright, ya'll I just don't really know how to classify this one.

One of our co-workers, a really smart one, had a customer who asked about backing up files. Co-worker told him to get an external drive, he bought one and left.

CW - Co-worker

CC - Crazy Customer

He comes back in the next day..."Say, there must be something wrong with that drive you sold me. (When their product isn't working right, it's always "you sold me" rather than "I bought".)

CW - Oh? What's going on?

CC - My printer won't recognize it.

CW - ...Your printer?

CC - Yes, when I try to scan a document from the printer into the drive, nothing happens.

CW - Well, what OCR software are you using?

CC - ??

CW - You are using a computer for this, aren't you?

CC - Uhhhhhh....you mean it won't work without a computer?

You guessed it folks, he had somehow connected the printer to the drive (Dunno which printer, but I bet it had a USB port) and was trying to scan directly from the printer to the drive.

CW straightened him out, suggested a professional scanning service for the 3000+ documents he needed to archive.

Can Opener

Would you go into the grocery store with a can opener and start opening cans to see what the contents tastes like?

Hopefully not, but apparently some of our 'customers', and I use the term loosely, would!

My BIGGEST PET PEEVE is opening products in the store. Listen up, people. "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!!"

Why not? When a customer sees a product on the shelf that has been opened, they either won't buy it, or they will ask for a discount because it's been opened.

Company policy is that we have to mark down by 10% any product that has been opened.

It's more work for us, less profit for the store.

So...now that you know all this...Why the Hell do you complain every fucking time that I say, "Please don't open products in the store." Are you not able to comprehend that we can't sell it as new if it's been opened? Oh...wait...I get it..."YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!"

WELL, GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT 'YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BUY IT IF YOU CAN'T OPEN THE BOX'!!!

DON'T OPEN IT, MUTHAFUCKER!!

I'LL BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS!

I'LL SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE!

I'LL BARBECUE YOUR DAMN DOG!

I'LL STEAL YOUR IDENTITY AND ORDER EVERY MAGAZINE IN EXISTENCE TO BE DELIVERED TO YOUR HOUSE!

I'LL HACK THE SCHOOL YOUR DAUGHTER ATTENDS AND CHANGE ALL HER GRADES TO FAIL SO SHE NEVER GETS INTO COLLEGE!

I'LL HACK THE POLICE DEPARTMENT CIC COMPUTER AND MAKE SURE THEY ARREST YOUR SON!

I'LL SPAM EVERY EMAIL ADDRESS THERE IS WITH A MILLION EMAILS A DAY AND INCLUDE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AS THE SOURCE!

I'LL KIDNAP YOU, STRIP YOU NAKED, TAKE A WIRE BRUSH TO YOUR ASSHOLE, POUR KEROSENE ON IT, AND SET IT ON FIRE!

GET THE IDEA, YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, KNOW-IT-ALL, SELF-IMPORTANT, LOW-LIFE, TRAILER PARK TRASH, ASSHOLE???

Thanks for shopping with us today, come back soon!